I Talk, You Listen...

Conflicts of the mind

2012-01-11T17:23:00.003+08:00

I have always love to write, as my brain never seems to stop thinking about stuffs. I love putting my thoughts into writing, but somehow ever since I left abroad to study, I somehow put a halt to it. For the past few months, there were so many things that have been going on, so much thoughts and life has been so fast pace till by the time I would like to pen the thoughts down, something else is going on already and I would be occupied.

Like I said before, long distance relationship is never my thing. Not only just the romantically involved one, but also those relationships with the people I cared most, my friends and family. Transitions in these few months, already sufficient to throw me off balance. I do not even know where I really belonged now.

Before flying back, I was excited and anxious. I could not wait to jump on to the next flight and get back here right away. I even hoped that I could teleport like Harry Potter and his friends, how silly of me. As much as I enjoyed my life abroad, with exciting social life and loads of travelling, something that I have always looked forward to, at that point of time I missed home. Here.

Surprisingly when I came back, something felt odd. I got to see some of the people that I haven't met in a long time, I get to reunite with the family and boyfriend, introduced my beloved to my family, but somehow, I no longer feel belonged.

Family and boyfriend missed me, yes, but it is still quite hard for me to feel really at a place where I am accepted. This sounds ridiculous, but its true. I revisited the places I used to be, used to, I have met friends I used to love a lot, but then it was apparent that everyone moves on and whether I am back or not, does not make much difference. However, I was very much relieved that my dogs still remember me. I have very forgetful dogs, thats why I am so grateful that the moment I reached the house they were the happiest I ever seen them be.

I went back to the uni that I loved hanging out at most, I realised I barely recognise anything there apart from the building itself. I no longer know anyone, even the starbucks outlet that I used to work at, it does not feel that familiar after all. Everything is oddly different now. The silence in the heart caused by such emptiness is deafening.

In these short 2 weeks, I realised that at some point I have moved on too. I actually do miss my friends abroad and somehow, I cant wait to go back there. I actually felt so much secure being over there, but this does not mean that I cant wait to abandon the people here. Just somehow felt that this is not my place.

I know if I go on and on this question about where I am belonged to will not end just right here. This confusion is too big to resolve in such a short time. Perhaps, before I even allow myself to get used to this idea that I am really back home, I would have already been gone, once again.

D:

2011-12-01T09:54:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I feel like I am incapable of handling relationships with human beings. Not that people have problems with me or what, sometimes I just feel so tired of maintaining a constant contact with people.

People that are back home, I miss then so much yet I can't even pick up my phone and Skype them. Or when I really finally did that, the timing was just wrong. And then I stopped doing that. And I felt sad after that.

People over here. Malaysians are pretty fine and the some of the locals are really nice, with the exception of certain very discriminatory people. But I don't seem to be emotionally connect to any of them. Some times for no good reason I preferred staying at home. Or the urge to drown myself in the blasting music in clubs. Just because I still feel alone, I guess.

Wonder what's wrong.

I love travelling. Photography. But. When I found people with the same interests, I held back a little. I hesitated.

Tell me, what the hell is wrong?

Somehow felt that all these are unnecessary at all. Boo. I hate how I feel now.

The world never stop spinning. Round and round it goes.

2011-10-28T04:13:00.001+08:00

I now truly understand why my friends who went overseas stopped blogging regularly.

Once in a blue moon, for some.

Totally feeling the pain.

By the way, hello. London.
There may be a hole in my wallet soon, but I am still looking forward for it.
Mmmm.

Can't wait for Christmas. And then home.

Twists and turns. Life.

2011-10-22T15:20:00.003+08:00

“This one's for you and me,
living out our dreams
We're all right where we should be
Lift my arms out wide I open my eyes
And now all I wanna see
Is a sky full of lighters
A sky full of lighters”
-Lighters, Eminem ft Bruno Mars

Last night was yet another great night, great night with great company. Not partying, not drinking, just dinner, movie, and a little stroll, supper, then 2nd round supper, fake pokers, chit chat session all the way till morning. Was a great night. To be honest, I haven’t have this kind of company for some times already. Despite the seriously lack of sleep and the fact that its already 8am now, and that I have an early deepavali celebration plus audition for the biggest musical of the year at 4.30pm, I don’t feel like sleeping just yet.

Because of me going out partying almost once a week and staying out for the second time this month, I am risking my own relationship. Honestly I really love this guy very very much, he used to be understanding and so loving but the distance between both of us, its getting wider albeit the physical distance never increase throughout the month. I feel like at times, I may be losing touch.

Its really not easy to decide that I want to commit into a new relationship, whats more this time is another tormenting long distant relationship. The time difference, its really killing the both of us. I love you so much and I don’t want to see you hurt, but does that mean that I am supposed to change myself and hurt myself instead? I don’t know. Being so far apart I don’t know what else I could do, I tried to accommodate, I tried to be more patient but its not helping. Finally we come to a point where we are equally tired of arguing. I really have nothing much to say, just that, I really want this relationship to be the last of mine, yet one thing is that every single time you present yourself as someone that was not the person I once knew, I die a little inside.

I don’t know what to say. really.

Though a great night happened, the feeling subsided immediately when I could sense the tone of accusation from you.

Take a deep breath. Sigh.

I am clueless now.

HELP.

Rantings. More to come later I guess

2011-10-15T10:05:00.000+08:00

Here am I, sitting in front of the laptop blogging when I am supposed to either be sleeping or studying. Its 1:11am right now. And the moon is round and bright in the starless black sky. I wished Keith was here to see this with me just now when I was out.

Still very busy, haven’t really quite have the time to reply everybody’s messages or emails, I am so sorry. For those who actually still read this blog, I am pretty much still alive and fine =) Weather is still a bitch, nothing have pretty much changed since my first day here, the weather is consistent with its inconsistencies. And I bought a bright red winter coat from H&M which looked so awesome, Red-Riding-Hood-kind-of awesome. I got 2 pairs of free cute gloves from there too, and voila, my winter shopping is done =) Well, maybe with the exception of thick duvet but I will see how that goes. Heh.

Books are really expensive over here, booze is not, food is if you eat out, and not if you cook everyday. So far except for one really tiring night that I had instant pizza, I cooked my dinner every night. Branded stuffs are cheap compared to Malaysia, but still the price is not the same as Sungai Wang/Time Square’s stuffs haha. Eggs are expensive here but other dairy products are fairly cheap.

I can’t believe that I am saying this but I do miss home sometimes. Especially my dogs and my boyfriend. Haha. Please, don’t make me choose over either of them. I think most probably the reason is that Lassie is an old dog already and I never know how many more years I could see her and hug her and play with her or just talking to her whenever I felt like it. I miss my clean room, of course, tidied by my mum every weekend, I miss those times where I worked in Starbucks, I miss those times when I was studying at the lakeside library, and also the 3 months where I got to spend my time with the awesomest boyfriend ever. And I miss lala and mao mao and sher lin and cs and mabes.

After being here alone for almost 1 month, I think I have already kind of adapted to the lifestyle here, but every now and then, I just cant sleep well because I am not used to the idea of really being alone you know. Yes I have friends, I have shopping buddies here, study buddies, clubbing kakis, drinking buddies and also cooking buddies. But still. I miss the kind of comfort I could get.

gahhh. so emo now >.<

Weather is a bitch

2011-10-06T03:23:00.003+08:00

Finally my first week of classes ended today, and I have mostly settled down.

Oh by the way, I am in Cardiff, UK already.

I remembered the first day I arrived I was in the most depressing mood you will ever find me having. It was so gloomy in Cardiff, it was drizzling the whole day and I had to explore the entire place with my mum, and both of us literally walked for hours to and fro from the city centre to the place I am staying at right now. Right after the long hours of flights, coach, and walking, plus the jetleg, I immediately went to the student union to get my enrollment done and as well as my bank letters. Everything was so hard at first. The thought of having a room one third the size of my room in Malaysia was horrible. I miss my huge bed, my dogs, my boyfriend, my buddies.

After being here for awhile, enjoying life for almost a week alone in a country you never been to, partying dancing eating cooking chilling whenever I want to, I realized that there are some things that just don’t go away even when you are elsewhere.

To be honest, I treasure my relationship more than ever since we are apart right now. And the grudge between Nic and me, its all gone and we do help each other out when needed. I am surprised you know, by the changes in things that I never quite expected. Well I know I do treasure friendships and have always hoped for this but still, I never quite expected things to turn out this well. And as for my boyfriend, I know I am a sucker at long distance and before coming here I was really afraid, afraid that what if I do need him here physically but yet he is not here? I was afraid that I might not be as strong as I expected, but seems like be are really holding up really good and I am grateful with all the efforts that he made for me. At least compare to a lot of people he knows how to love me the best. =)

Being so far away from home, there are certain things that changed too. No boyfriend or family to pamper me for one. I have to cook my own meals, do my own laundry, keep tab of my to-do list etc etc. I have to take care of my own health, no more mum or boyfriend to constantly nag at me to drink more water…. I do miss home a lot.

Some other things changed too.

I know that before this I still did care about him as a friend, but now I don’t feel like I do care anymore. No matter whether he is alive or dead, I don’t think it would have bothered me anyhow. As usual, I hoped for the worst for him but I would prefer not to know whether he had the worst already or not. They are just as shameless as each other.

Okay enough for now.

I am tired.

I miss Keith so much right now.

Bonne journée!

2011-09-07T13:39:00.000+08:00

Bonjour mes ami!

Surprise surprise how time flies, and in another 2 weeks I will be in the land of Queendom (pun intended LOL hint: iylia’s territory haha). Like, finally its my turn after seeing so many of my dear pals flew off last year.

Anyway, leaving got me thinking a lot, reflecting on things from past to present days. Good and bad.

After settling this overwhelming feeling of leaving, I realized a few things.

As quoted from One Tree Hill, “Happiness is not a destination. It is a mood, it is not permanent”. Food for thought. Really made me pondered a lot on this new realization of happiness. Since young, I always thought that happiness is a goal to achieve, and in order to reach it one has to work hard for it. But then, in truth happiness is easy to find, it just depends on how you see it. Sometimes things are just right in front of you but then its overlooked because of our ignorance. Just like our moods, they come and go, and its really up to ourselves to get that feeling again. Feeling sad does not mean we never felt happy. Feeling happy does not mean we never felt depressed. Same goes for happiness, we might not feel it now but it does not signify that we never felt it.

There are always some problems that can never be solved if we think about each day.

For now, I feel happiness. Happiness that comes from within.

Working at Starbucks for 3 months gave me an excuse to cut myself off from the things that disturbed me the most—— my past relationship.

Despite the fact that I wrote quite a lot of my feelings regarding it on my blog, I don’t think I have ever really, for real, took the time to vent out the actual feelings I have had inside myself. It was tough, and eventually I got used to keeping it cool on the outside. I ran away, but at the same time I think some part of me stayed, the part that was afraid to fall out of TDCF. It wasn’t easy at all, but I guessed staying away for a while did me good. I thought less about what happened, and I learnt to open up to people again. I even let someone into another side of me.

Not to say that I have come to a satisfying closure, because some things you really cant achieve on your own, except to let time pass. Meeting my current boyfriend hit me hard on my head that I do in fact deserved more than what my past gave me. In many ways I felt that I have given a lot so that now, I receive such awesomeness. Staying away from the never-ending aftermath of the storm from the past made me see the world around me even more clearly, that great friendships wont end with distance, great love does not necessarily means zero physical distance, as long as the heart remain close, everything is as good as how it is meant to be.

My high school best friend flew off to Canada recently and we didn’t have the chance to meet up for the one last time. But surprisingly I don’t feel much sadness because for me, I know we will cross our paths again someday, just like how we did for the past two years. Another very close friend who went to UK for a year and now he is back already, it felt like nothing have changed between us, It even felt like we haven’t seen each other for days only.

You see, relationships with people work both ways. One way less and it will never work out.

Mommy told me that it is possible to maintain a long distance relationship no matter how far the distance is, so long as there is faith. The irony is, how many actually realized the extend of such faith that is required?

For the first time I feel so loved by the person who is not related to me by blood.

I really appreciate that.

Muar trip to CS’ house was awesome. Not the events itself, but because the presence of people that are worthwhile. My past and present intertwined each other for that few days. Happiness is indeed a mood that is not hard to achieve, even when in the presence of people that angered me the most. He, is my source of happiness. Having awesome friends there added to the mood. Having people I hate the most over there just made the whole trip more interesting, and also made me realize how much I need to appreciate what I have now.

I love him, no matter what awaits ahead, we will do our best ;)

Awesome posum ♥

2011-08-19T00:47:00.002+08:00

My eyelids are getting heavier and my eyeballs are cracking from dryness but I insist on writing it tonight. Sometimes, you just have to write when you have that feeling, otherwise once its gone, it will never be documented with the accuracy it deserves.

=)

I am so happy today, two of my closest friends get to know my boyfriend. And they got along alright, even with mao and to be honest, that really made my day. Its been so long since I felt so happy already =)

Good things just didn’t stop there, lunch was awesome, movie was awesome and present hunting for cs was awesome as well. I have awesome friends and a freaking amazing boyfriend =D

And the best thing is, my uni application went through and finally everything was updated, and whats left is my CAS as well as visa and then I am good to go.

Speaking of leaving, probably rheas few people are the ones that I will miss sooooo dearly, including my parents and my dogs for sure. mum has been pissy lately, but I could see where she came from, and all she wanted was to hold on to me however long she could. Same goes to the boyfriend, but I am grateful that he is really very understanding. I am so proud of u my dear =)))

I know I haven’t introduced him much over here, and we kind of only knew each other for 3 months but the thing is, I have never felt so connected to anyone like how I feel connected with him right now. its as if we could read each other’s minds all the time. he is really amazing and understanding. He remembers things about me that I cant even remember, and he knows what I need without me saying it out. I am grateful. And thankful to have him.

Time is running short for us and it was never enough, plus the fact that we are trying to prevent from causing a hoohah at work so until now we never let anyone at work to know about it. Its not easy, and this relationship is still in its infancy period and I know, I suck at long distance relationship. I admit that I am really afraid of whats ahead, but yet, I really hope everything will last as long as possible, I want him to be part of my future and me in his. No promise was given except for the fact that we promised to give in our best.

You know, I am really in love with this guy.
Oh dear heart, please don’t fail.

Hahaha.

This is love =)

2011-08-07T19:17:00.000+08:00

Tonight was the night before our dear uncle zombie left for his new job. I will miss him dearly. Throughout the 2 months (yes its 2 months already, I am surprised that how fast time really flies especially when you are happy) he had been looking over my shoulders and guiding me all the way along my journey in Starbucks, as well as Zombie Cafe hahahaha. There were a lot of laughters, and I really felt reluctant to see him leaving us.

But still, best of luck, Fai, its really been a pleasure knowing and working with you. ;3 You know, I nearly teared up when you gave me a hug the other day. I feel sad. =(

These two months have been the happiest months I ever had in this year. Knowing the people there, having to know mr drumstick, haha, now I shall call him porky instead (its call evolution), and other wonderful baristas, really brightened up my life. Working as a barista in SB is no doubt a wonderful working experience, despite the very few times that I got annoyed, fell sick, made mistakes, I really enjoyed working there. Time really flies and this is my third and last month working already. And then, fingers crossed that I will be heading to UK soon after that.

LAst night I read someone’s blog that opened up my mind. Goodbyes allow room for more ‘Hellos’, and sometimes people do stay in your life even though there will be a few goodbyes along the way. Its more like a ‘see you later’ in life. I believe that we could not hold on to anything in life forever. Feelings change, people change, things change. Even ourselves change. So why should we worry about tomorrow and not enjoy what we have today?

Despite how much I miss TDC, I know it will never be the same for me anymore. I don’t dance anymore for now, I stopped visiting the studio. But doesn’t mean I am going to run away from there my entire life. IF it is meant to be, I will head back. Because it is my family. And family, no matter how far you go, eventually you will go back. Just that, its not time yet. I still need to let go of some things, because I do not want to go back bringing feeling of hatred and anger. Right now I am pissed because someone whom I thought would have understood my feelings lent my fav red dress to the girl of my parasite ex bf. I haven’t quite forgive him just yet. And yes there is still a tinge of contempt and disgust whenever I thought about him, which I rarely did nowadays but still, doesn’t mean I am noble enough to let her wear my thing, or even to touch my things.

but yeah. gonna let that be for awhile.

Recently was two of my buddies’ birthday. MASTA FAIII and GOSUUUU!
I am sorry I did not call, and I don’t think my wish to gosu was even a proper wish. I didn’t forget, no, I wanted to be part of the celebration but I have no idea what is holding me back. I am sorry bros. But I love you guys all the same.
Anyway, I hope to see you guys in Muar soon! =Dlet us have another epic vacation together!

Things have been moving in such a fast pace that sometimes, I am worried if happiness doesn’t last long as well. Its really a bad timing to get into a relationship, but feelings don’t just stop when you want it to stop. So far everything have been more than amazing, he is different because he came from a different background, different social circle, but most importantly he made me laughed more than I did the whole year. I feel comfortable, and life is too short to not enjoy it and I don’t want to regret for missing out this awesome guy, hence giving it a try =) I don’t want any promises, I wont make any as well, just follow the flow and appreciate what I have now, and what we have =)

aizat, sorry that I am so busy lately >.< but we will talk k? we will!! I miss you so much bitch!!! XD

=)

2011-07-28T10:59:00.001+08:00

Those nights where you talked me to sleep, and stayed on the line for another hour or so, just to make sure that I am really asleep, I felt secured.

Undeniably when I knew I mumbled before I dozed off, and then having you staying on the line for so long and patiently, I kind of freaked out that I might make a fool out of myself. But you were fine with it. I am thankful. =)

So Near Yet So Far..

2011-07-20T23:28:00.000+08:00

I have so much in mind right now. Thinking about the people that mean a lot to me, thinking about my future. Everything feels so near yet so far.

Last weekend was one of the best in these few weeks. Went to Urbanscapes, met up with Kar, Dae and Marcia, basically people who played important roles in stages of my life. Heh. Brought back those memories from high school and surprisingly made me realized that even my first year degree was fun too. It felt so right to have people that understand me even though we hadn’t been keeping in touch constantly for so long already. Like, the moment I mentioned about chatting up with my good looking Starbucks customers, Kar’s face showed an instant understanding of what I meant. Hahahah. Overall it was fun. Though the lack of pictures (all of them on my Facebook), I was really happy that day.

Love how my hair looks like in the second pic heh.

So yeah, speaking of so near yet so far.

Lately I have been sort of seeing this guy. Lets call him Mr Drumstick k? haha. I know this sounds weird but trust me, I have my own reasons. I have never met a guy that could catch me off guard so often like him by just being observant. Honestly, I could cover myself up pretty well, and no doubt after my worst breakup ever beginning this year I kind of barricaded myself with an invisible wall towards others. And no, I am not looking for another relationship for many reasons, one of them being me leaving to UK soon. I suck with distance and I would not want to go through that ordeal again.

Its always the little things that counts. I feel slightly worried apart from the blissfulness thats showering over me right now. Its really heartwarming to have people notice that you are not alright when no one else does. Its really sweet to know that a person take note of your eating behavior and prepare your food the way you like without you even saying anything. And also its comforting to know that there is someone out there who knows whats wrong with you when you told everyone else you were just having a bad stomachache. Oh dear. None of my exs ever know these stuffs without me complaining and whining. LOL. Ironic much? And the timing! How I wished I knew him much earlier. =( It saddens me to know that the possibility of us progressing is so slim. Not that its none, but its so slim that it makes the twigs on the ground look obese. Timing sucks. I haven’t felt so cared for for so long already, yes my friends do care but not in this manner. Mr Drumstick, hahahaha, realized on his own accord that I never bring tissue and I sweat like mad when the weather is hot, so he bought me wet tissues. How many guys would have thought of that?

And no, this is Dae and not Mr Drumstick hahahah. Just in case.

I don’t know, suddenly I don’t feel like talking about it for now. Its nice to have someone to click with so well, I mean, despite our differences we actually have so much more to talk about and he respects me for what I like and what I do. Which reminded me of how much of a fool I was for hanging on to a relationship that I knew would never work in the first place. In the previous one, the only three common things we had were dance, cheese and environment. Take either two of them out and the relationship was gone. How fragile isn’t it?

I feel so confused right now, everything is so near yet so far. Even for my uni application. Its a good thing that they hadn’t reply yet, because apparently those who didn’t get in already got rejection from the uni. But then again, my visa is hanging on and I can’t do anything about it because I haven’t got the confirmation letter yet. And honestly, I cant wait to fly but at the same time for the first time in many many months, I actually feel sad that I am leaving soon. Summer break is ending soon for everyone, including Mr Drumstick, and this also means that summer fling most likely will be ending soon. Sigh. And today when he turned up late I actually felt worried, then I realized that I actually care. Ah fark.

Yeah lets all do that instead.

=)

2011-07-18T23:27:00.000+08:00

The last time I wrote something was few nights ago. But I deleted it without hesitation because it was unfinished, and redundant. Surprised myself to see how serious I am taking my writings.

So in conclusion, its been almost 2 weeks since I actually ‘penned’ down anything worth reading. 2 weeks is quite a long time especially for a person who writes almost every night before summer break started. Lets just say that I am having more of a life right now =)

Everyday has been happening so fast and so interestingly that I find it hard to turn all of them into words. The experience of entering a whole new environment, meeting new people and catching up with old friends, things are so happening till I was at lost of words whenever I clicked onto the ‘New Post’ button.

Its been long since I felt the innocence that was in me during high school, and the kind of lameness I had when I was in college. At this phase of my life, I felt like I am combining all the good times I had, in an entirely new environment.

I know it all started from me running away from my old self.
Again, I chose to leave my comfort zone and venture out in the fresh waters of uncertainties. But hey, no regrets.
I have met awesome people, and I have been truly happy for the past month plus. Really. I had my ups and downs as usual, with my parents sometimes, but otherwise I have never been happier like now for months already. Yes I miss my dancing days, but I don’t regret having what I have now.

Its true that if you cant handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best. Everyone’s choice is what they deserve. You don’t deserve me because you chose to leave and because you want someone who would do as you like. Not me. But there are people out here willing to understand me instead of pushing me to become someone they want. There are people who is fascinated by my quirkiness and also differences. Just that it wont be you and I am glad, I made a choice I know I deserve as well.

Though the walls are still up, I know someday, I could get through it.

Anyway, I love how things are right now.
It okay, not knowing what will happen next, or perhaps what will not happen.
As long as I am happy, contented, I am satisfied.

Though it is really different right now, I felt like I discovered another part of me. A part of me that still has the innocence but yet at the same time no longer as irrational as I used to be. Bygones be bygones and all is good once more.

I wouldn’t say that I would forgive the ones that wronged me but somehow, leaving that behind my mind for some time now I daresay I don’t care that much anymore. Finally, I am living a life.

Drumsticks, GCB, chocs and all the wonders around this newfound happiness, I am truly grateful. I wont know where we would go on from here, but it feels so great right now. =)
Thank you so much.

I know this is nothing much compared to my previous writings, but I am really out of words to describe the blissfulness in my life right now. Though the timing is not quite right nevertheless I am grateful.

Life

2011-07-05T22:56:00.001+08:00

I loved you with passion, you and only you.
But every so often that you put the passion into a temporary halt, made me rethink that were you worth my love.
And was the passion for you just a mere lust and nothing else?

I guess I still love you, but I am not sure the passion is still the same as before.
I used to love you so much that I let my heart speaks rather than my mind.
The thrills that were so satisfying and rewarding, sometimes they threw me off the cliff without any warning, or any hint that someday I might be abandoned.

You erected the walls between me and new people I meet each time you threw me off guard, hurting me immensely. You have had no mercy when it comes to toying me and left me hanging on.

At different points of time I really wanted to give up loving you.

And I know I can’t.
Understanding comes acceptance, and acceptance comes moving on.
I guess I will never understand you fully, and hence, the lack of acceptance of you being who you are, shapeless and unpredictable, and ultimately, I can never move away from you nor can I go close to not loving you endlessly.

I must say, despite those times where you were really mean to me, you shows me how to carry on, with you by my side. You are mean sometimes, but never evil. The beauty in you always, and always will, outshines the glum that you sometimes casted on me.

You could just mess with my mind, hate to admit but sometimes I know I was the one who let you continue doing so, because I love you so much.
Very often you take away some important things away from me, just so I will not be blinded by those temporary happiness that deep down inside I know will never be sustainable no matter how hard I tried holding on.
Yet at the same time you gave me something else to live on.
Hope.

I must say, you love me equally in a different way.
You could have just cut off the crap of torturing my soul, but being a saddist like me, you love seeing me crying in pain before you gave me happiness that nothing else could have ever replace.

Because of your inconsistencies, I am attracted to you so much that I suspect that I am addicted to the thrills you gave.

You showed me how cruel things could become no matter how much love I poured to you.
Yet you also reminded me of how I could take things the other way round.
Embrace whatever I have. Remind me of how I could be happy even without certain things that I used to grasp so tightly and reluctant to let go.
Sometimes I was deluded to think that I might love something else other than you.

But I was wrong, wrong, and wrong, again and again.

How could I love something more that you when you, are the sole reason I am breathing and my heart is beating for real?

Thank you for reminding me that there is so much more that you could give me apart from hurt itself.

I know its silly but I think that perhaps if you could give me less lemons, you might appear to be more lovable.
However, upon deeper thinking, I think I would not love you as much and as intensely if you are not as interesting as you are right now.

I appreciate the fact that you are making up to me right now by bringing me back to the times like I was in high school. I was actually happy about high school. If only you could stop bashing me up before you cheer me up.

I know I am so much more different from when I was in high school, but all the same I have not quite made up my mind to what I really want. Rationally, I know I want equality. But you, you caught me off guard again by letting me taste the sweetness in you that I have nearly forgotten. No matter how much a tough front I put up, you knew. You have always known that deep down I am like a little girl that craves for someone to really care for me. And once again you let me put down the tough fronts I have built against the world to relax a bit.

How could I not love you man?

You will never be understood. But you understands me in and out.
You know what? I am never leaving you, you have my word. You are just too interesting to give up on and I am going to use all the time I have to get to know you.

Do appreciate the fact that you let me know him. Change is good once in a while, especially now that its turn for me to be taken care of, instead of me caring. A good rest, I would say.
Just don’t throw me off guard again so soon. Let me enjoy while I can alright?

Just remember, I love you dearly, just help me out if possible k?
My passion for you will never die, Life.

=)

2011-07-03T03:17:00.000+08:00

I feel so much now. Emotions. Hah.
Not that I don't want to write about stuffs lately, I am just been preoccupied by too many things.
One which includes guarding my own heart.

Shall let things sink in first, shall I? =)

Will update soon, I promise.
Hands are itching to write again.

surprised

2011-06-29T23:44:00.001+08:00

Honestly, I am taken aback.

We seems to have a lot more in common than I realised.

I hope this is for good. But I shall guard my heart until I am sure.

Feels like high school again.

Carla Bruni- Ta tienne

2011-06-20T01:38:00.000+08:00

I love raw eggs. Strong coffee. Cold food. Sashimi.
Just had 4 shots of espresso in my iced caramel macchiato. Very intense.
Satisfaction.

Just the way I love life. Raw, intense, and with secrets.

I could never relive the past as everyday is different no matter how similar it is.
Agony, I thought it would be the same but it seems that despite the very similar events.
Every single day has its own identity, just like human beings, even twins.
Life works wonders, in a way.

I don’t think I would want life to happen any other way, although sometimes it felt so unfeasible to live on.
I am who I am today and if life happened in any different manner, I am not me any more.

I have always, and always will, be true and honest about my feelings.
I show what I want to show, and those I don’t, I bury them inside. Secrets. So well buried that sometimes I forgot how it felt like.

I wouldn’t have taken French if it wasn’t because I needed distractions.
I wouldn’t have gone off course and worked at Starbucks instead.
People in my course, they were either busy preparing for exams and applying internships and I just took French out of the blue. And then I rejected an internship to work at Starbucks.

Je suis avoir été fou.
D’une manière, je suis s’échapper.

It feels good.
I found new directions and here I am now.

Surprised me that these two things made me so much happier.
I never knew working could be this fun because in my previous working experience I dreaded each day. It consumed me so much that two months seemed like 2 years.
And now, 8 hours of work seems like 8 minutes.
To be honest, I didn’t like it when my shift ended.

I never knew how beautiful French could be.
I used to think that Chinese was the most beautiful language and Spanish is the sexiest even when I knew nothing about spanish. Heh.
French, its sexy in a way like a super hot semi naked woman lazing in front of your eyes. Almost naked, but not naked. The bareness is there, but not there. Elegance is the key.
Chinese is mysteriously beautiful, because you could just alter the meaning of your sentence with just a slight change in one word. Some characters might seem related but in some ways they are not.
Two of the hardest languages to learn, in my opinion.
And my favorite.

Raw intensity just never fail.

Strayed..Opps

2011-06-18T01:21:00.002+08:00

Life seems to have a way to keep my mind from straying too far away.
Keeps me from holding myself, preventing myself from falling or whatsoever.

Lately I have been much happier since I started my new job. Coffee has now became one of my passions. I didn’t realize that there are so much thing to know about coffee, from its origin, to how it is grinded, and how it is brewed and to how you drink it. So much knowledge.

Perhaps its the fact that I am mingling with more people with more vibrant personalities, it kept my spirits up. The supervisors are like my friends, the other senior baristas can’t wait to share their knowledge with me. Despite the fact that lobby sliding is kind of annoying especially at outside of the cafe, I love being where I am at now. It surprises me how civilized some people are, drinking expensive coffees and eating expensive pastries while littering the ashes and tissues/trash on the floor. I wonder the purpose of putting ash trays. Hmm.

Enough with sarcasm remarks. Heh. Thats not my point.

Point is, you know how easily I could be emotionally be distracted, took me a long time to adapt to it but its cool that now that I have something to think about I have lesser time for unnecessary thoughts. =)

I believe distracting myself with knowledge is a good choice. There are so many things that is not worth dwelling on, and could be taken away from us in just a blink of the eyes.
Except knowledge.

French, coffee, or photography, I felt happier learning them. More contented.
Life isn’t quite complete yet but it feels complete.

Someone gave me an inspiration today. Never knew that I could be even more ambitious about living my passions.

He was right, I should look more far ahead.

My life might not be at the peak now, but it is going to, soon enough. =)

Life is about moving on, and how you deal with leaving things behind. To be frank, I don’t like that idea at all. Yes I know there are so many things we have to leave behind but there are so many other things that are worth keeping.
like those awesome people that walked into my life. I want to keep them.
It pains me knowing that no matter what, as long as 2 person decided to follow different courses in life, eventually they will grow apart no matter how hard they tried holding on.

On a side note, I really really hate one person. I need to let it out, like finally. I am not a saint, I tried not to hate anyone, I don’t like that feeling but I can’t help it anymore, its too disgusting to even think about forgiving. I can’t just keep making excuses to avoid such intense hatred. Extremities are intriguing at times. So is extreme hatred. Makes me want to live a better life, and instead of cursing inside myself all the times, extreme hatred brings about a genuine smile from the inside knowing the fact that my happiness right now has nothing to do with that person. An utterly disgusting person. Hypocrite. Selfish manipulating hypocrite. No matter how much you try to hide, you will be lonely on the inside, as long as there is no one else but you in your own puny world.

Hence I shall dedicate one particular phrase of my recent favorite songs, “Jar of Hearts” Christina Perri to you:

“You gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul.”

Seriously, mark my words k ;) Or Christina Perri’s.

P.S: please, if you have no clue of what I am talking about, don’t assume. Because you might just be wrong. And that would be really embarrassing.

P.S.S: And yes, that was directed to certain people, just in case some idiots think they knew everything. Tell you what, ignorance is bliss. Seriously.

Starbucks

2011-06-14T15:28:00.001+08:00

I love it when I use writeRoom to type my blog posts. It keeps me from being distracted. <3

Another hour plus till I have to leave to work, yup, I started as a part time barista at Starbucks and today I am having the night shift.

Barista.

Hehe. Sounds so cool right? I have always wanted to touch those fancy coffee making machine ever since I had my first coffee from those fancy cafes like Starbucks, Coffee Bean etc. And yup yup, I gave up a 1.2k worth of internship for this. The pay for being a part time barista is not a lot actually, after minus the EPF and SOCSO, its really not a lot and you don’t have a fixed time. But its the experience that counts. And I love the employee’s benefits ehehehe.

I am only there for less than a week now, and I am loving the place and the people already. So damn different from working in a firm as an attachment student.

I find joy in learning new things and meeting new people from all over the place. Lucky me I have a bunch of senior baristas that are more than willing to teach me stuffs. And the venue I picked to work at is quite nice, not too busy, customers are mostly students, cute/hot guys alerts all the time, hahahaha, not smelly, spacious (yeah I love space), and most importantly I don’t have to work my ass off like a true cow. LOLL. I mean, we have peak hours and all but comparatively to other outlets, this one is not as hardcore as the rest. Which means, more time to learn and get to know each other well.

ok, in less than 1 and a half hour time i need to do a few things. Cut my nails, take a bath, iron my apron (haha, yeah, apron), and update my learning journal. haha. Yeah. And charge my phone, like now.

So yeah, gotta go now, I can’t wait for my shift to start. hahahaha…

Life is Like a Box of Chocolates, You Never Know What You Will Get...

2011-06-11T02:07:00.002+08:00

Somehow tonight I am feeling a bit uneasy. I could have join them at the junior’s grad night tonight but I somehow didn’t have the courage.

It has been 1 year since I had that magical night. And to think that there is a high possibility that you might be doing the same thing you did with me with another person tonight, I felt disturbed.

Not really reminiscing today but no doubt I have been thinking a lot. I woke up extremely late on purpose so that I would think less about these unexplained feelings. And then I headed off for my First Impression session at Starbucks and I absolutely love it. I have a feeling that I will be enjoying my life as a barista very much. So much knowledge which I could put to use. I want to be a part time bartender when I am in UK.

Anyway, back to the main issue.

I still can face it directly. I know I am avoiding it but I wonder how long I could hold on being like that. This is not something that I want. I clearly know what I want but I am just not achieving it yet. I have always said that you were the best thing that ever happened to me but now I would say that you are my worst nightmare.

Yes falling down so hard eventually makes a person stronger. But what if you rather be weak and have everyone around instead of being strong and lonely?

Of all sudden I miss my only high school best friend very much. Kaka. We used to exchange our thoughts in a book, and we wrote, or drew many silly things in it. I remembered the feeling where I have nothing to hide in front of her. And she would back me up no matter what. After these years leaving high school with her leaving to Japan for student exchange and me starting off with college, and then uni, we kind of grew apart from each other. We barely have time to meet up and what more to talk like how we did everyday back in high school. I thought I found another best friend in college, my ex boyfriend, but he was just a smoke screen that shadowed me from too many things. And now I am deeply hurt and have no one to turn to. Being strong is a must, I always knew, but it really sucks having to learn it this way.

I really wish that someday, I could really open up to the new people in my life. The only reason why I hesitated for so long and still hesitating is that I am afraid to lift the dam that is holding up my emotions. I find it worthless to cry for such matters but I am afraid that once I open up I would loose control of myself. I am just to scared that the wound might be opening fresh again. Its really really scary.

By the way, I can’t wait for my shift to start off tomorrow. I look awesome in caps. Hehe.

I wonder if my French class is on for tomorrow. I can’t remember whether tomorrow is a semester break or not. Bummer. Kind of hoping that it is, so I get to have more sleep tomorrow. Its going to be a great start awaiting. I have 3 trips to plan, and countless outings to look forward to. I want to run.

Away.

And never look back.

Ever.

Choices

2011-06-09T01:22:00.002+08:00

tea and sunsets: in a perfect perfect illusion, when the stars align, you can start a life with entirety and truth,

you could live

or lie or,

love

quote from here

On a separate note,
you don't have to be physically involved in a physical relationship with someone apart from your lover to betray him or her. That's why the guilty party tries to prevent the truth from coming out. They know they are cheating and they do not want to get caught.

And narcissist feels empty and his emotional landscape is barren. Which explains why such inappropriate experience. To evoke something he felt that he was entitled to through such interactions.

GOD

2011-06-08T22:28:00.000+08:00

Do you believe in god?

No, I don’t. But it would be nice if I do, because then I would have something to hold on to.
What do I believe in?

I don’t know, but all I know is, as human being, if you have something to believe on, life would be so much easier.

I am an atheist. I do respect others that have a religion, my father is a religious buddhist and my mum believes that god exists. My brother is superstitious and my grandmother is a Protestant. My father’s side practices Taoism and my mum just prays whenever she went to a temple. I respect them, everyone has their own believes, I just find it hard to believe in such things myself. I question everything about god and so far I am still yet to be persuaded that He actually exists.

Its so hard having tough times without such believes. Most of the times when people have trouble, they could pray. So what about me?

I always tell people that I believe that our lives is in our own hands. Whatever we do today would be the cause of our tomorrow. I always say that I believe in myself. But at some point I don’t trust myself.

Something is bothering me again. Its really up to me to face it point blank or just push it back in.

I hate feeling helpless like that. Seriously. And stuck.
Need. To. Breakfree. From this vicious cycle.

I am afraid of going back to the self destructing phase. I experienced twice, and hell no for me to get back there.

Today things has been cool.
Xmen with the gang with the absence of Yau was not bad. Just wished that he was there too.

I miss my old friends.
At the same time, I am a bit worried of facing the past. I am still not quite sure if I am brave enough to handle it. I need to be stronger before I turn back. Otherwise I might collapse. Its hard enough to hold myself together. Its harder to maintain this way when facing those emotions at one go. Really really afraid.

I know that no one was there when I had to deal with those moments by myself. I remember how it was, how cold and lonely I felt. How dark those days were. I am afraid to face it again because I don’t think anyone would be here for me even if they promised they would. Its life, it sucks and you suck it back. By anyone I meant those people from my past. Those in the present I am still holding back myself, I find it hard to open up at once. Trying, but its hard.

Perhaps like what Aizat said, things would be so much easier once I leave for UK.
I can’t wait. Like, seriously.

The Fun Begins

2011-06-06T02:00:00.003+08:00

hmm. Holidays started 2 days ago and I am not yet settled down for some serious deep thought writing. Hehe.

My adventure, without surprise, started the very moment after my final paper. Haha.
I was really sick by the time the paper ended but still managed to drag Quinne and onion along to KL for some epic beef noodles. And then got lost on the way to KLCC, got on to the right track and ended up missing the smart tunnel instead we went to the sungai besi smart tunnel and ended on the way to subang. LOLL. After the toll i even switched places with Quinne to drive them, all the way to Sunway. By then I was extremely unwell already. My nose was really killing me. I went home for 3 hours nap before I was up again to have birthday dinner with my dad. What a day. Haha.

Next day I was already up by 9am and went to Mid Valley to shop with my parents. Met up with Sher at 1pm and we bought tickets to watch the Diary of the Wimpy Kid. Haha. I was glad that movie turned out to be quite good, haha, and we weren’t really in the mood to shop, just had pancakes and well, being a nail polish fanatic I bought 3 bottles of nail polishes from TheFaceShop. Pastels and nude, not my usual style, but what the heck, change is good sometimes. Hehe. Both of us weren’t feeling well that day, but I miss hanging out having a day off with my girlfriends like that. Can’t wait for Aud and Nat to finish their exams and Emi and Mabes to be back so we could all hang out and have sleepovers.

Today I woke up at 7am and left to Johor and arrived home again by 5.30pm. So well, from the moment I started my sleepless nights before exams till now, I haven’t really have the time to sleep yet. And I am really really really tired. ;( Really need some rest and chill for a while before my job starts, and also before I go out or do anything else.

Chill, woman. Holidays have just begun. Take your time.

I am glad I could be of much help to someone. But none of us realized that because of that, I had to dig out certain memories that I buried. They didn’t hurt as how they used to anymore, but it made me realize that I am still living in denial. Its a withdrawal syndrome that I am having right now. The past few months I was obsessed with the past, and I could not let go because they used to be so precious. I thought that after seeing how useless and futile keeping them is right now, I would truly let go. But rather than doing so, how come I felt that I am not letting it go but instead I am just burying deeper inside me?

I got back on Facebook and surprisingly its not that fantastic after all. Perhaps I have been detoxed from the addiction after 2 months without it. I had the urge to stalk some people, but I became afraid of what I might see, so without waiting for the page to load I closed the browser. I am still a bit afraid I think.

Someone told me that I was brave, after holding up to myself and picking up the pieces. I don’t know. I don’t think I am brave in this sense, I just knew how to survive. I know I needed to get out of this vicious cycle of self destruction before I became out of control, which I nearly was. I almost lost myself when I lost that person but then I am glad I rediscovered another side of mine that I like to keep. I did not do this because I am brave, I just know I have to love myself more because no one would if I don’t even love myself. And in order to be able to love I need to get through this and survive. I am a survivor, you see.

Whether its denial or truly letting go, maybe it doesn’t matter. Point is, its not disturbing me anymore. It doesn’t change anything no matter if its either me rejecting those memories subconsciously, or I really forgotten already. It really doesn’t matter anymore. I have gotten what I want, have those memories out of my life.

Ah, holidays, here I come.

Flabbergasted ;)

2011-06-02T16:03:00.002+08:00

Here I am, typing this out at Starbucks with a cup of my favorite frap.
Feels poetic no? heh.

I wouldn’t say today’s paper was a breeze, but it wasn’t that bad after all. Once again it is the forth time in the week where my intuition was proven to be damn accurate haha.

I really can’t wait till tomorrow ends, theres so many things I want to do so badly! First being SHOPPINGGG! hahaha. And meeting up with those dudes and dudettes that I missed.

I think I could fly this time.
Ah. 3 months of freedom and life.
And Facebook! I already reset my password, but I am gonna wait till tomorrow’s paper ended only I will sign in to get my social life back.
TWO MONTHS wei!! Can’t believe I actually pulled it through.

2 months and so many things happened.

By the way, I am kind of thrilled getting followers on Instagram. Hehe. I know its not a big number, but what made me so thrill is that they are not the people I know. They are from everywhere around the world that actually like my photos! yayyy!! This really motivates me. REALLY HAPPYY!!

I never knew that there are so many ways to make myself feel contented. I have been alone quite often these 2 months, mainly to study for exams and some other times I just felt that I needed what solitude has to offer me, the feeling of peace and calmness. I felt great right now, I don’t know how to explain but I know I have gotten closure for whatever I needed it for. It has been a very long time since I have this feeling.

Turns out that I really love the people that I hang out throughout my first year. HELP is a good place to study, but not because of the facilities. The facilities really need a much better upgrade and the building is forever so gloomy. Me no like it. The program, the people and the lecturer (with the exception of the annoyingly annoying lecturer or course) are awesome. The societies there are more or less dead, at least it is so at the law department and the admin is slow, but otherwise, its quite okay. Especially those bunch of awesome people I met. We don’t know each other for long, but its been cool and fun knowing you guys.

I love the closeness we had.

Lately there are a lot of hot guys alerts. hahahaha. Its a sign I believe, summer is here!! LOLLLL.

Okay heres a list of things I would like to start off my holiday:

1. Shopping!
2. Get back on Facebook hahahahahah!!
3. Drama series!!!
4. Meet ups with long lost buddies!!!!
5. Plan on a few trips, one which includes photography session!!!!!
6. Go to Singapore with family
7. Change my freaking hairstyle
8. READ MORE BOOKS
9. Work and make money! hehe
10. Dance, if possible, but highly unlikely for some reasons
11. Overwork my livers. Haha. Get it?

Well, fingers crossed for tomorrow’s paper. So far its been good and keep on going good! haha.

Just want to say, I can’t stop thinking about you. And I know you don’t know that.
I don’t know why either, but it feels good. ;)

Walk to remember. [edited.. because I have so much more to say!]

2011-05-30T14:46:00.004+08:00

Today, just now, instead of studying for tomorrow’s contract paper, someone took me down the road of memory lane.

We flew back to six years ago (damn I feel so old now hahaha)

I am glad that I could find pieces of me in someone even after all these years. I remembered myself started blogging back then, but after some years and after that major breakup I used to have that changed the course of my life (no kidding, 180 degrees changes hahaha), I deleted my old blog and started anew. My life started anew then and along the way I realized I lost those pieces of me which I wanted to keep. Pieces that were beautiful and innocent.

Thank goodness for a very special friend who kept them all. Though each time when my name popped up in your blog it wasn’t about very nice things that happened, hahaha, it made me smile for the entire hour reading it. I couldn’t really remember everything you wrote back then and my memories did refresh, and boy we used to be so innocent. And everything was so real back then, the people, the feelings, as compared to now when you wouldn't know who is sincere to you and who is not. But when you look back at those days, they seem so surreal, nothing less than being dramatic, I know, since kindergarten I have the tendency of being the drama magnet. Already trying to avoid at all cost. Anyway they did spiced up my life, but at the same time it could be quite tiring though. Glad that theres significantly less drama now. =)

Looking back at those good old days, looking back at those people we used to stay close to, all I could do was just smiling at the screen in front of me. Reminiscing. I am grateful that I took those steps trying to bring you back, look at you, every year you have a new ‘goal’ already. hahaha. And I just ended my 5th relationship beginning of this year. And my 6th relationship is with my iPhone. Haha. You see, when we both first had our first love, we thought it was impossible to get over it. I didn't realised it was that bad and I am glad I stood by you, and that when it was my turn you stood by me even when you needn't to. I remember all the goodness we had. You looking at me burning away those love letters (hahaha, I think, if I hadn't done so I could have published a book of it already)...ah those days! We thought we would never have gotten over the person who used to love so much, but look at us now, where are we now dude? hahaha.

Looking back, I am very sure that eventually bad things will come to an end, and good things never last. For me and whoever else. So the most important thing is carpe diem.

Looking back I know I will never be able to be the person I once was 6 years ago. Look how much we have grown apart from each other already. You, me, him, her, everyone else. One thing that made me felt slightly bad was that I never realized I was loved so much before. And how much I have affected people's life. Not that you never told me or anyone before, I just didn't quite grasp the idea of it back then. And I always fell for the wrong person. Hahaha. Now isn’t that obvious now? And I let go of the wrong person too, I guess. hahaha. No no no. Not wrong person. The timing just isn’t right just yet. Perhaps maybe years later if I ever meet someone like him again I would be able to appreciate more. And no no, no one guessed it right on who am I referring to. Uh huh. I know I will never be able to go back to the girl I was 6 years ago, or even 3 years ago. The only thing in life that will never change is change itself. I never regretted each transformation I had, not like Transformers, but haha, you get the idea. 6 years ago I was too naive. Outgoing, and only able to see things right in front of me rather than looking far ahead. I was stuck to one person, one club, and one best friend that never stood up for me. Then I opened my eyes one day, I broke free and went out of my comfort zone. I met new people, I did tonnes of awesome stuffs. I became much more confident about myself. And then college. I met a bunch of great people, and after such a long time I found a place where I belonged. I met 2 guys, and one of them had such a great impact on me that I realised I changed again, I moved on. And here I am right now. I have found my directions after losing someone. I don't know if this make sense but I am actually quite grateful of how I am right now. What I have and so on. And despite having moved on from so many things already, I was a little surprised that this took me so long to break free once more.

Its a nice walk down the road, with the serenity of the aftermath from the past and also a starbucks beside.

I know I haven’t been blogging for quite awhile already. As in proper blogging. So yeah, here you go.

By the way, I have achieved something lately.

I managed to give up on something I should have done some time ago. As of now I know I will not regret because that is the only thing I could do.

I am strong. I am.

Cant wait till these 4 days of hell end. Hehe. Then its time for serious writing, reading, photography, party, drinking. And VACATIONS. 4 more days and I shall get my life back. Ngek!

Btw, I survived today's paper, if you didn't realise it already. haha. And talking to Pat today made me realised that I really missed talking to him. haha. Just like the begining of the semester. I think thats probably because he is one of the very few person whom I felt that I don't have to think twice before spilling my thoughts out. And his forever smiling look reminded me of mr sunshine hahahahhahaha. Yeah its not that funny, but its sweet to be reminded of it. =D

ps: omg I didn't know I was such a computer geek back then!! Hahaha. I remembered who was the one who taught me to explore into computer softwares, Keenen!!! I think you know his sister right? no? hahaha. Still a tech geek now, one thing that will never change in me I guess? hahaha. I used to learn CSS codes by myself, searching for hacked softwares because I have no money to buy, hahaha, and now even when I have my mbp, I still looked for apps that is cracked. Patching, copy pasting and using keygen is fun. hahahhaa. Its been a long long time since I played with the codes. One more thing to do after hellish exams! XD And oh, I know its no biggie, but I jailbreak my phone the night I got it. And oh it was fun. hahahaha. Damn I am such a geek.

pss: is the picture above nice? Personally I really really love it. And I took it with my boyfriend (Mr iPhone). hahaha. Words failed me when it comes to describe my love for photography. Anyone care to join me for photoshooting this summer?

I love you, you, you and you. =)

Love

2011-05-22T22:28:00.001+08:00

Love is not liking everything about a person. It is accepting the parts of that person which you dislike as well.

Is the picture of my lappy nice?
That was taken by my new love
A black, sleek, and with a hot body

My dear iPhone 4

I promise you, I shall love you like I never loved before.
Even though I dislike typing with you. Haha

Muaaaahh!!!

Kimchi overdosed. Again.

2011-05-22T00:52:00.000+08:00

Was supposed to get my iphone4 just now but lol, I didn't know there is a quota thing for Maxis and they have reached the quota for the day. So I guess I will be there tomorrow. =)
No worries, I can wait a little longer.

You know how suffocated one could feel at times when things went wrong at the wrong timing?
My past of 5 years have been catching up.
It felt weird, minus the heartbreaking betrayed moments. It just felt weird and totally awkward.
And why is it only catching up right now? Of all the time throughout the past 5 years, now things are catching up again?
If I were to believe in Jesus, I think this is the time where I would say, 'Oh dear Lord!'
But then again I don't, this just happened to be the best description of how I felt. No offence to Christianity or any religions intended.

Ok, maybe I didn't feel THAT bad, but its still weird. With the presence of my mum and my past altogether, everything just felt weird.
And like the light rays that meet a shiny surface, I 'reflected' my direction right away when I realised the past is catching up.
I wonder.
I never run away from it even when it did caught up once in a while lately. But just now I instinctively chickened away.
I don't understand.

Maybe its a sign.
Lately I just ended a friendship with someone who was once a very important person.
Friendship has always been a big part of my life and I don't give it up unless necessary. I was devastated on the inside but I know that there is nothing I could do.
The indifference was too overwhelming that I can't hate or love that person any more. I don't know that person any more.
In my entire life, I gave up 3 friendships.
3 most important friendships.
2 from 5 years ago.

The past catching up, and I am doing now is obsessing over kimchi.
Ok, that was unrelated.
I just refuse to talk about the past any more.
Its energy consuming, and every time I think about it, no matter how long it has been, its killing me on the inside.

No, those can't be mended because either I can't get it pass myself, or the other person does not care at all.

I love kimchi so much that I am overdosed with it now.
Want to know why?
Because I have been having an empty washing machine in my stomach thats working extra hours today.
But no diarrhea. Just loads of air thanks to the ginger and garlic.
Well at least I had loads of vegetables today.

I hate exams. Can I not take them??
Its even scarier than having my past chasing at me.
I mean it.

More HOUSE!!

2011-05-20T12:56:00.000+08:00

Have been having diarrhea for 4 freaking days already. Just when I got better, I forgot about not taking any dairy products and guess what I had today.

Carbonara plus hot chocolate.
Damn.

And way before that, I overdosed myself with korean tea and lots of kimchi.
Because I thought kimchi would kill the bacteria in my tummy.

I just forgot that by overdosing myself with spicy food would cause a bigger damage.

And back to the dairy products I just took, I really really forgot, my tummy wasn’t feeling well, I felt like I have an empty washing machine thats working in my stomach, so I decided to get something hot and filling because I was kind of hungry too.

I just had to forget about how laxly dairy products would be, especially at this point of time. Guess I can never survive without milk, cheese, cream and chocolate. Ever.

Oh and I even added extra cheese to my carbonara.

I get really cranky now.
I am sick of being sick. And if it wasn’t for the milky stuffs I had, I would have been good by tomorrow. Now, I am not sure, I just know that my muscles are sooooooooo exhausted after spending so much time in the loo.

Lalala. Whatever.
Killed the mood to study, and now I am on marathon for House MD. Note to self : MUST FREAKING STUDY TONIGHT OR ELSE I SHALL FAILLLLLLL!!!!

And I realized I haven’t been blogging for few days now. =)
Its kind of a good sign.

Meaning, without Facebook in the way, I am off the addiction to blog, I kind of put on hold my tumblr too, now whats left is checking my emails every 10 minutes interval. Well, at least its not 5 minutes.

And not blogging must, meaning I am either spending my time resting or studying, and definitely my mood is better. I sounded sappy in my posts didn’t I?
Having to call random guys lately, well, definitely this is an improvement.

I think it has something to do with me opening up and being absolutely honest and went all out in the previous email.

What email?

Some email la. Made my day after sending it out because I felt relieved. Though not all but definitely a significant amount of burden is relieved. I am not that scared anymore. And if I push myself even further, I think I might give up caring as a whole too. But I shall hold on to that thought. Things are not that bad yet. *self denial, kinda*

So yeah, Aizat is not coming back this year, Emica coming back soon, cs maybe slightly later and manes coming back but I have no idea when. And I will be working during summer break. I can’t wait.

2 big things happened lately.

I went for multiple consults. Which also means I did multiple questions.
Yay.

Another one is that I turned down an internship that pays more than 1k per month.
For a Starbucks job.

Don’t give me that look.

I am actually quite glad with my choice. I mean, to be honest I don’t like the working environment, the lady who wanted to hire me was kind of a bitch, and I have attachment in my resume and I want a more different experience. I would like to meet younger people, a happier working environment, I love coffee and I am interested in coffee and I am irresistibly addicted to coffee, I love whip cream too, the manager at Starbucks is nice, I have flexible working hours and NO TRANSPORTATION PROBLEM. haha. If I were to take up the internship I would have to wake up at 6am+ every morning, take LRT and then take public bus to start work at 9am. Apparently even my parents were reluctant to fetch me, or even to sacrifice and share a car so that I could drive the other one (they work in the same place), so what can I do. Plus I really really hate office job.

~~~~~~~~

That was yesterday evening’s entry.

I slept at 7 plus in the evening yesterday and woke up just right before 6am today. And I refused to go to the library today and hence I went back to sleep. Till about 10am, and then I watch House MD, took a bath, and here I am now.

That email I mentioned previously, I received a reply.
And I replied.
Nothing much out of my expectations, and I think I am really giving up this time. I really did care a lot, but if i am unappreciated, I don’t see a point of hanging on to it. Real disappointment but then again I already expected this shit. Was just pushing my luck.
Now I give up.

Just cant wait till the break actually starts. Time to party hard and forget about the past.
Yay me.

Oh by the way I dreamt about a kindergarten baby who write poems. Weird right?
hahaha. But it was a pleasant dream.

The Best

2011-05-16T01:32:00.001+08:00

The best thing that ever happened throughout the past 8 months.

Turmoil-esque

2011-05-15T01:59:00.000+08:00

Mum got me something unexpected and I really really love it!! Its been so long since my mum actually bought me something without me knowing. I love surprises like that =D Thank you muahahaha!! <3

Exams are nearing and I am really freaking out.
At the same time I felt like I haven’t gotten out of the emotions turmoil. Just the other night I randomly called up some guy from my intake because I didn’t know who should I go to. I felt so stuck and I needed someone to talk to. Anyone. Those that I am comfortable with are not here, and some of them are having exams as well. Hence, I decided to call the first name that came into my mind.

I was really random. Because that guy that I called, I haven’t been talking to him a lot lately. Was kind of embarrassed but luckily he is nice enough not to tease me the next day.

But really, I felt so shitty that I ended up calling someone that I am more familiar with. Tearing up and laughing and tearing up and laughing again. It felt sooooo good. Big chunk of weight on my shoulders were lifted. And another thing is, I finally let someone new, whom I knew since the start of my degree, into a deeper, and darker side of me. I know she would understand, and to be honest, it was a relieve to let someone in. It has been so hard keeping things to myself. Even writing here is insufficient. In here, its just a bunch of missing links, and there are times if someone doesn’t know the entire story, these links over here wouldn’t even make sense.

I need someone to know the entire story, but at the same time I didn’t want to talk about it because it hurts so badly that I can’t keep myself calm, and I don’t want to show anyone how weak I am, how much am I affected.

But I really feel lonely sometimes.

Its so hard staying strong. It will be over soon but its so fucking hard. Fucking hard.

Sometimes, I wished I haven’t met you.

I never regret, but I wished I hadn’t met you because this lesson, its too tough for my preference.

Wishful wish it is indeed.

It just hit me...

2011-05-12T19:10:00.000+08:00

imagine the disappointment when you rushed out of the library because you saw someone breakdancing at the corridor outside, thinking that those might be your old buddies, and only to find out they are just a bunch of new people that you don’t know.

D:

I really miss dancing, and the people that matter to me so much.

Have been out of the loop for too long.

I need more courage to face it. I don’t think I am ready to go back just yet.

How?

=(

Seeing one of my long lost brother reminded me of those days. Sleeovers and ransacking my house’s kitchen. And endless movie marathons and chit chats.
And long lost love.

I hesitated and did not spill out all the accumulated thoughts in me to him. We met and talked briefly and thats just it.

I am afraid to go back because I am scared of falling deep again.
But problem is, I fell. And I don’t think I have gotten up yet.

New people over there are too overwhelming. I am a nobody there and it just brings out the loneliness when I am there. Its hard to integrate when my heart is not there. It was given to those that are no longer there.

I miss everyone.
Including those that I haven’t been contacting for some months.

Australia, UK, US, Subang.

And maybe, maybe. Kuantan. I am not sure.

Gathering please.

And drinking party.

Finale

2011-05-11T15:49:00.001+08:00

As usual, I just woke up from my hour plus nap in the morning at DSA. I guess today would be one of the last few days where I will be doing this at HELP. Will definitely not miss this place.
Its horrible.
Imagine every morning having to get my ass here so freaking early and not have a decent place which is not freezing and comfortable while waiting for my class which starts at 10am. or 11.30am. Its annoying. The library won’t open until 9am, and sometimes even for 8 am classes the classrooms were still locked at 7 plus.

Such a sad place.

After this week, this will not happen again. Cant wait actually.

There might be some changes in my holiday plans.
Some good ones. I hope.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally the last Criminal lecture ended.
I am gonna miss it. Today was quite hmm, alright for me, I appreciate the fact that the gang talked over lunch, and then we spent about an hour in Siva’s car in the carpark just to talk. Plain chatting about things you know, like politics, family stuffs, music, jokes, etc. Quite a pleasant feeling.

By the way, on a random note, I can’t stand hypocrisy.
You know the kind where someone assured you so much that they actually care about something but then their actions speak the opposite?
And when you tried to hard to communicate with that person and then you are let down, just to wait for some bloody response.
Excuse for exams was given, midnight oil and all, yada yada. And then you realized that its only excuse because the fact is, that person’s exams are over and that hypocrite is on holiday. Nicely done huh?

Well, I have no idea why I even care. Waiting as if miracles occur?

Oh what the hell.

I know, hypocrites are everywhere. There are people who showed extreme distaste on some actions you did in an extremely annoyed manner, and then poof! One day you just see that very person doing that something that he/she was really disgusted with.

=.=

People.

Not to say that I am the best person on earth, me no saint yo, but then at least I am honest with my feelings, I am honest about what I like and what I don’t.
At least,
I am not embarrassed with how I feel.

Wished that yau was here today. It would have made the whole gang complete.

Monday is not blue.

2011-05-09T23:59:00.000+08:00

So what was your first horror movie? Do you still remember it?
Guess what mine was.

Snow White by Disney.

Oh yeah, my very first horror movie that made me cried each time I watched it. And my mum had to bring it back to the shop to exchange with Peter Pan because tapes were so expensive back then.

By the way, my idol director, James Wan from Saw, shared the same first horror movie as me. Hahaha.

Today was all right. In a glimpse of eyes its already the last week of my first year. Mmmm. We went to Ben’s Food Factory at BV1 today, and we had the best pizzas as usual. I think I will really miss the bunch of them. The 5 of us. =)

Yau Yau made me angry today when he accidentally deleted my audio file for the lecture. Ishhh. Nearly strangled him when he did that because I was already quite paranoid that I am not well prepared for my Criminal paper. But then I can’t be angry at him for long, after all its our last week together and I know I will miss him a lot once we are apart from each other. Oh well.

Contract lecture was omg. Haha. As usual I started to doze off after the first 30 minutes. Tried my best not to, but its so hardddddddd. I fell into deep sleep during the 15 minutes break. Haha. It must be the lunch. It was too good and I pigged in, as usual. And the best thing is, ITS CHEAPER THAN NANDO’S!!! It have been the group’s official favorite ever since it existed. Yummeh!!

I can’t stress on how much I will miss this bunch of non-sensical, sarcastic, narcissistically adorable and ridiculously funny bunch of people. Ah. I need to take more pictures with them by the end of this week. We have the naggy mum, the sarcastic dad, the annoying son, the cute naive son, and the daughter that is not ladylike at all. Yup. The last one refers to me. Moi.

Jeez.

I feel like telling them about how I feel. But I shy shy. Hahhaha.

Anyways,
today is good.
I always love monday. =)
Screw Monday blues, we have awesome lunch dates on Monday. Yay.

Odynophobia

2011-05-08T17:00:00.000+08:00

This morning I woke up with the thought of jumping off the 8th floor.
I think it must have been something to do with the nightmare I had. I slept too late last night and apparently I didn’t sleep well because I have been crying before I slept.
And before anyone starts to judge. Hold on. I cried watching Desperate Housewives, not because of anything else.
However the dream, on the other hand, had to do with any other thing.
Its been long since I woke up feeling this upset.
So I decided to sleep through the feeling and canceled going to the Lakeside today.
8th floor most probably have something to do with me being at the moot court yesterday, and it was at the 8th floor. That number just came into my mind randomly, as soon as I woke up.
8th floor.
Not 6th, 7th, but 8th.

You remember about anything at 8th floor? Perhaps the balcony rings a bell.
One of my favorite place.
And that very first time that that glassy classroom became our hideout.

I think that was why it was 8th this morning.
Not 6th or 7th.

Anyway. I did sleep through the feeling. I woke up in between, with the urge to call you and say ‘hey babe, how are you? I miss you.’ Yeah, damn random.
But I am not sure whether its because I am missing you, or just because I am missing the feeling of having someone around.
I slept till 4.30pm after that, even when I was supposed to study hard.
I will do it tonight, since I got enough sleep already.

Actually I have no idea how I feel now, except the urge to write and the need to have someone to talk to.
Someone who knew me inside out. Like you.
Or maybe I need to talk to you and no one else.
I wonder if you ever care like what you have told me.
Obviously not seeing it through your actions.

I asked myself if I still love you.
I don’t know, honestly,
lets just say that if one day you are going to get hit by a car, I would save you even if it might endanger myself.
But then again this could have mean nothing, because I would do that even for a stranger.
I really have no idea of how I feel for you now.
I do miss you as my best friend, but I am not sure if we would be even talking.
I am not sure if I would want you to send me off when its time.
One thing for sure is that, whether still loving you like I used to or not, I stopped showing it already.

Except that the wound is still open, and it will scar for sure. And no matter how much I will try to forget about it, well, I know for sure it will not go away, forever.

I really love good guys. As in decent guys with patience, especially when they feel the same for me. But I don’t understand why I would even let go of good guys and hoping that the evil guys I met later on would treat me like how a decent guy would.
Its so weird of me.

And by the way, I love my gay friends. If you feel so disgusted I think you should stay away from me as well.

Just saying.

Infatuation

2011-05-08T13:32:00.002+08:00

explains everything.

There was no us. Just me.

2011-05-07T22:55:00.001+08:00

Its always kind of amusing to know about other people’s thoughts.

Eye opening too. Also, it allows me to look at things from a different perspective, and also to have more options in forming my thoughts.

I am in a rather confusing state right now.

I am naturally a very confused person, not only confusing people but at times I do confused myself. And now I have no idea why am I saying this. Told you, I am confused.

Just a thought.

Oh by the way, I really enjoy using WriteRoom program to jot my random thoughts. Zero distractions and it's so cool. ;)

I wonder how’s people’s perception on me is like. I know, people judge, sometimes after knowing things about me and most the times without even bother to know my side of the story. But that doesn’t matter. Just find thoughts like that quite amusing. The way human minds work, always never failed to fascinate me.

Even if the way things came into conclusion might be something hurtful, or disturbing at first. But when realization sinks in, thats where the interesting part comes in.

I question a lot.

No doubt about that.

I love questioning about things, about what and why and how until answers satisfy me.

Not knowing answers makes me paranoid.

And from time to time I find solace in those understandings.

Acting like a child, does not mean that you are really a child.

It’s a form of escape from the cruel reality that everything is always so complicated.

Like how a friend concluded me as a person today, I am actually in fact a very simple person, but the thing is that I could see the complicity of reality and sadly, I am living in a complicated world and therefore, its hard for me to run away from it by acting like a child.

Its true. This mask would not last at all because no matter what, being in a complicated world with complicated people is where I belonged to. Or put it the other way round, what if the true self is indeed an innocent one, a naive one, and the mask itself is the complicated one? Who knows, right? No one knows for sure which is actually a lie or not, because the longer you live in the lie, or mask, you make that lie, or mask part of you, your life.

Its crazy how darkly my words could make life seem.

But I don’t hate life itself. Life itself should be filled with colours and black is one of the colours.

There are always other colours as well, the obscenity of red, the seductive purple, blue, yellow , etc. They exist. Its always up to us to see them. Or feel them.

Today I thought about pace and gaps.

People to people.

There are times when you move ahead of others, you might wait, you might not. If you wait, you might miss something, i.e., an opportunity. Or if you don’t, you may be left with a thought of ‘what if’, and that whether what you have now is worthwhile for you to give up waiting on people who meant so much in your life?

Then what happens next?

If you have waited and your past finally catches up, would it speed up and leave you behind because you have held yourself back and now your stamina is lacking?

It would, but it might not.

Maybe eventually the two would find a common ground and then two lines would catch up with each other, not in parallels, but moving simultaneously as one single line.

I digressed.

This is not something I intend to talk about. But my thoughts just swayed away.

Back on to human’s thoughts, perhaps?

Maybe next time.

I am confused.

2011-05-07T01:51:00.002+08:00

tonight.
feel so exhausted.
Things have been running in my mind again and again. I can’t block them out.
The feeling of disbelieve is still here, right in my heart deep down.

I keep asking ‘Why?’ like a 4 year-old kid that is curious about anything.
I was afraid to let my imaginations run wild this time.
But I can’t help it.

I have too much at stake to give up on for this particular feeling.
Its a very tough decision.
I need undivided focus.

Where?
How?
When?
WHY?

and What the hell?

I give up.

At least I hope to give up.
Not like I don’t know what is right and what is wrong.
I am just very sentimental.

Very.

I hugged my dogs just now.
And I think they will be the only one that will never, ever betray me for sure.

I can’t let my guards down for now.
Everyone has an ulterior motive.
Things turn tables out of the blue.

I hate this.

I need to get out from here.
Period.

Serendipity.

2011-05-06T16:20:00.002+08:00

In the midst of everything, I found this...

LOL. Reminds me of someone. What a coincidence.

Reminders.

2011-05-05T23:15:00.000+08:00

This will be an ongoing process for me, soul searching.

It is so scary how sometimes you realise things that you never thought of before, especially when all the while the reality have been consistently waving its hand in front of your face.

Thoughts about this is very very taunting I must say.

I haven't been entirely myself these days.

Oh not again. Haha. Yeah, I had breakdowns in the middle of the night, and I was despairingly sitting in front of my lappy searching for people whom I was familiar with so that I could have someone to talk to. I needed hugs excessively. Especially when the tidal waves of emotions rushed upon me I desperately hoped that someone could be here, just to hold me and assure me that everything will be fine as soon as the waves disappear like it always did. Anyone. Anyone would have made me felt a million times better. And luckily for me I found 2 person who kind of saved me out of my temporary yet disastrous turmoil. My brothers. Just right where I really needed.

I still miss those that I have lost touch for some months now. Mabes, Aizat, Emi... It was always nice to hug these people and that particular night, I needed it soooooo badly. I don't know why either. I am a confused person. Then today when I was alone in Starbucks, sipping my venti sized dark mocha, my phone rang and Aizat's name appear. Alas, not him, it was a phone call from Manchester regarding my application and it happened to be under the same operator (hard to explain here, but in conclusion the phone call was not from that bitch =.=). Honestly I was so thrilled to see his name popped up, and imagine the awkwardness when I started shouting 'hey Aizat bitch!! How are you?" to the phone at Starbucks, and everyone was kind of, kind of, staring at me, the stupid woman who shouted at the phone out of nowhere. Thank goodness the person from Manchester didn't have a good reception, hence I don't think he heard what I said. Oh my. *Awkward turtle passing by* Gah, bitch. I miss you so much you see. I was super duper excited when I saw your name on my phone. Ish. Imagine the disappointment and awkwardness. But that dude sounded friendly, he is an international student, calling up to see if I need any help for my application (the uni made them do this. hahaha. He didn't call just because he wanted I supposed) and it was quite a nice phone call actually. Didn't know Manchester actually provides such service. Overall felt damn cool today because a random guy called all the way from Manchester. Haha. (don't burst my bubble, I know its his responsibility. But still, so long never receive any random calls from guys already. So, neh. LOL)

Speaking about guys, oh today was such a random day. I can't believed that I have been discussing about guys in front of 2 guys. For the entire hour I think. Damn. And according to Mao, I tend to objectify guys like how a normal guy would do when they were having their own discussion on well, girls. I find that statement amusing. Anyway, its not like I will definitely 'hunt' for someone according to the criteria we discussed today, love, relationship, they are abstract, and no one knows for sure. Hell yeah I have dated 5 totally different types of guys in these few years, and that explains that you can never follow through a list where feelings are concerned.

However, when talking about my past, I remembered one person in particular. He was the most decent guy I ever known, still is, I think. =) Well although we only dated for quite a short period of time, he is one of the most special person I ever known. Because sad to say, such gentleman like him don't exactly exist nowadays. At least apart from him, I know no one that decent. Not to say that anyone is indecent, but well this fella here, he respects every single person, he has the most patience and I have never met someone who would not judge others and tries to befriend everyone, sincerely. And I really mean EVERYONE. We are still friends now, I would say that I still feel close to him because even though we haven't seen each other for more than a year already, I know that I have nothing to hide when I am facing him. And I know he is reading this right now, perhaps smiling. haha. Yeah, you. Can't believe that we have known each other for 8 years already? Time really flies. For no particular reason I have been thinking about this fella a lot today. I know I have wronged him in some ways, but at the same time I am grateful that we are still friends. Its really nice to know that, even you seldom appear in my life right now, when ever I was at the lowest point of my life you would reappear again. haha like a submarine. Last time was lunches together, and random trip to Redbox, and the most reason was the text message months ago that surprised me. Appreciate much. Seriously. I would say that the fact that we used to date was nothing but unbelievable. He is such a decent person and well, I know I am far from being the prim and proper plus decent person. Too bad, I know I was an unstable person, most likely still am, and I don't deserve you at all. But however, it is exactly this sort of person that gives hope me that not all chivalry is dead. There is still hope in mankind. Well, and guys. =D

I don't know why I have been thinking so much about the past today, and what a coincidence, I bumped into another person that was once a big chunk in my life today, face to face. Our eyes locked onto each other, but the gaze only lasted for a second. I can't remember who looked away first, but the feeling was weird. This time it was this person who wronged me. I thought after all these years, not talking to each other and staying out of each other's lives, I could at least smile upon the person whom once caused my first heartbreak. Not surprisingly I couldn't. I didn't feel any pain, but it was just unnecessary that I acknowledge this person as a once very important figure in my life. If we look carefully right now, literally we live on opposite ends of the world. Its sad that when 2 straight lines cross paths, they will never cross paths again once they move on. This was the person who taught me how a real heartbreak feels like.

Today have been a weird one. Like I said, I was discussing about guys with 2 straight guys. Then we talked about someone who had a crush on me at the start of semester. And I only knew it recently. That guy, is the kind of guy that will bring out the innocence of people. I know I am ambitious and I am living a life which is very fast paced and I knew, deep down in me that it will be very hard to make myself stop to wait for other people. But this guy, not saying that I have a crush on him, just giving an example, is the kind of guy that is so pure and innocent that I would have given up being ambitious to be with. It would be the perfect fairytale for me because you could just trust this person, you don't have to second guess things he said and do, because he is just pure and innocent. However I also realise that no matter how nice this kind of person is, the fairytale will not last for me because, after dreaming, we have to wake up and face the reality. Staying pure and innocent will never help you in surviving the world. Just saying, that as much as I love having such friend, such people are the ones that blind us from looking at the reality, and eventually when the blinds are up we will fall harder. Scary isn't it?

All 5 relationships taught me different things. First one taught me to face my true feelings truthfully, second one taught me that no matter how brave a person is, there is still a possibility that one will become a coward when it comes to dealing feelings and running away could be seen as the best option. Third one taught me to appreciate people more, and how important it is to mend relationships, no just romance, but every sort of relationship. Fourth one, being attracted to each other does not necessarily means love. And fifth, always trust my own intuitions. It always worked.

As much as I am a hopeless romantic, I know whats right and whats wrong. Have been contemplating on whether to choose a city life or the opposite for my uni application, because I was struggling between dreams and reality. I have always loved peace and calmness, but then I know I am a city person at heart, and eventually because of my ambition I would definitely choose to stay in a very busy place, then why allow myself to fall into the state of dreaming during the years of my degree? Its better to face the reality then to immense myself endlessly in those hopeless romantic dreams of mine. After all, I am never against busy lifestyle as long as there is party and well, alcohol. But I am not an alcoholic, mind you. I love partying and drinking but I don't do them often.

Tonight, I am being random again.

I know i digressed too much.

I miss my buddies, and those that were close to me.

Soul-searching. Haha. Seriously.

Today is so weird.

Set Fire to the Rain

2011-05-04T23:24:00.001+08:00

I let it fall, my heart,

And as it fell, you rose to claim it,

It was dark and I was over,

Until you kissed my lips and you saved me,

My hands, they were strong, but my knees were far too weak,

To stand in your arms without falling to your feet,

But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew,

All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true,

And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win,

But I set fire to the rain,

Watched it pour as I touched your face,

Well, it burned while I cried,

'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name,

When laying with you I could stay there,

Close my eyes, feel you here forever,

You and me together, nothing is better,

'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew,

All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true,

And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win,

But I set fire to the rain,

Watched it pour as I touched your face,

Well, it burned while I cried,

'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain,

And I threw us into the flames,

Well, I felt something die,

'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time,

Sometimes I wake up by the door,

And heard you calling, must be waiting for you,

Even now when we're already over,

I can't help myself from looking for you,

I set fire to the rain,

Watched it pour as I touch your face,

Well, it burned while I cried,

'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain,

And I threw us into the flames,

Well, I felt something die,

'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh,

Oh, no,

Let it burn, oh,

Let it burn,

Let it burn.

Stay strong.

I have my brothers alright.

Love you guys.

Thank you so much.

I will be back in the family, soon enough.

Promise.

Picture credits to Lien.
Place where all awesome-ness begun.

Irony is, people that matter most to me are all inside, including you.

Btw, you err... looked ugly. haha.

The cheesecake memories.

Seriously, the bros and sistas.

Oh my I miss you all.

Maybe for you, I will miss lesser.

Oh the alcohol.

Cant wait.

Could have had it all...

2011-05-03T18:29:00.000+08:00

Can't help but to reread the Skype convo I had with Mao at 2am plus this morning again and again.

Not an entirely disturbing conversation, but it got me thinking. And before this I hadn't thought so deeply regarding myself.

Its surprising how sometimes I could be so detached from my own problems. Its like I was talking about my own problems as though I was telling story about another person. In that way I don't feel as hurt I guess. In that way, I could see things from many other vantage points that I never thought of, and I feel less awful for myself perhaps.

So what if eventually I was the only one, all the while, who was immensely and deeply in love with you? And yet you were only joining in, taking it as a free ride in the relationship? My mistake, and yes, love do blind people sometimes. But still, credits do go to you for making the past year a happy one for me. At least I had a happy (though pathetic) relationship. One lesson learnt: When things become too good to be true, follow my instincts. Forget about whether its right or wrong. Should have pushed you away when that moment happened.

So am I regretting?

Nope. Not at all.

Before things got worse, at least, at least, I fall before I fly high.

Damage done is significantly lesser at this point. Who knows how far I would have gone. Never to let my feelings get ahead of my rationality again. Its not like I never seen it coming long before it started. I misplaced my faith and you took it. And then only I realised it fell into wrong hands.

For now, I could only think of one word to describe this person: Disappointment

Not a regret, but total disappointment.

An unforgivable disappointment that I hope to forget.

Not because of regrets, but because it hurts too much.

When I lost you, I kind of found myself.

I get to do things that I love, research and study on stuffs that I really like, listening to good music. Watch good movies. Read.

Things that you would never do with me. Plainly because by nature human beings are selfish.

And you, sad to say, not a guardian angel but just a mere human being.

A forgetful human being.

An insecure one too.

I am a human being too.

Hence, I do not care about how others would feel after reading this. Especially not you.

I am selfish this way.

I am hurt, therefore I protect myself by denying you in this manner.

But trust me,

I care for you too.

Even if I hurt you, its just like a prank, people prank you back for pranking them.

Eventually, I wouldn't want to put you in harm's way.

Just a little paper cut wouldn't be that bad ain't it?

Its not like I chop you into pieces and feed it to my dogs.

Just kidding.

Anyway, yeah, just being random.

Ignore me.

...rolling in the deep

Having Dark Mocha venti now, but actual fact, I am craving for the oh-so-enticing Long Island.

I never will understand this. I think.

2011-05-02T13:29:00.000+08:00

S'il vous plait.

2011-05-02T02:53:00.000+08:00

Bought a few books just now, 2 by John Grisham, 1 by Jeffrey Archer, both my favourite authors. And another 2 reference books for French.

Can't wait till exams are over. I have so many plans. Internship, books, music, movies. Maybe a trip or two with friends, some get together thingy before I leave. And then UK.

I can't wait to leave. This place is making me so sad right now.

Too many things in my life have memories of you and me that I do not want to think off.

Even things that matter to me the most, my friends, TDC, ECA, lakeside, even Bangsar. My house. My room. My dad's cars. The kitchen. Pool tables. JS. Even certain movies. The clothes I wore to meet you. Too many memories. SS15. Uncle Seng's. Even FTZ. Spongebob. Cats. Grad night. Clubbing. Breakfast at Pavilion. Set lunch at Celsius. Caps. Everything.

I am not living in denial.

Its just that its too heart breaking. Its getting harder day by day, ironically. Especially when it is supposed to be the other way round.

I remembered those nights where we helped each other go through preparation for exams. I remembered how I helped you during the retakes. I remembered how we fought. Endlessly eventually. I remembered how broken I felt each time when you never understood what I was trying to explain. I remembered how helpless I felt when the connection between us disappeared early this year, and how I cried myself to sleep because I was so afraid of losing you, without you knowing at all. I remembered how weak I became. I remembered even since December I was already feeling that one day we will not make it and discussed it with 3 person and then I decided to stay optimistic. I remembered how all your words and actions finally made sense and how that cruel truth crushed me.

I remember that I have to stay positive.

I should be relieved that it is over, rather than going through feeling broken over and over again by you.

But I am already broken,

then whats left to be broken again?

These few nights I have been exceptionally vulnerable. Those tidal waves of emotions, waiting to break out from inside me.

Every night when that happened, I almost pick up the phone to call you.

I could not remember your number, but I know I can find it if I dig deep into my phone's memory.

Luckily I have self control. Its surprising how I could refrain from doing that, because I was literally struggling inside myself whether to call or not.

I didn't want any sympathy. Especially not from you.

Nor did I want to hear your yellings.

Nor did I want to sense even a little bit of frustration on your side for hearing me out.

I would rather stupidly wait for people to get online during the wee hours, sitting in front of my laptop acting like a total dork just to see if anyone would miraculously stay awake that late and listen to me ranting my feelings, or breaking down in front of those people than to try to rely on you and let myself fall to the ground again.

Its not like I mean anything to you anymore. I doubt you even read this anymore.

Its my own fault that I did not see you more thoroughly before handing over my heart.

You gave my heart back, but you gave them back in pieces.

I am not a phoenix, I can't just incinerate myself and then gain rebirth again.

Tonight, its just like one of those nights again.

I don't want weird dreams.

Last night I had the most bizarre dream I ever had.

A rather disturbing one too.

I have had enough. I need peace of mind.

I want out. I need to be saved.

Au secours.

Aidez- moi, s'il vous plait.

Sanity en jeu.

2011-04-30T19:26:00.000+08:00

I realised that there are just some things, no matter how much you want to forget about it, it will still come back to you.
Be it in a physical form or just, just plain memories.

They always come back in different forms.

Its nice to embrace sometimes.

But there are also times where its too heartbreaking.

You just have to pick yourself up no matter how fucked up you are, literally or not, because there might be times where you will definitely be alone.

2011-04-30T14:21:00.001+08:00

I dont know.

How long more can I take it?

Its killing me on the inside.

Catch me while its possible

2011-04-28T21:57:00.000+08:00

I feel the need to cleanse myself every time I thought about it.
I want to wipe that disgusted feeling in me.

I could just stand underneath the shower, and let the water run through me, hoping that the debris would go away.
Just stand still under it.
For a very very long time.

Things just don't go away like that. They rot inside you, until the heart is full of holes.

Caffeine, sugars, my anesthetic fixes.
Pump the adrenaline, numb my sense.
Forget about the pain.

Drowning myself in the world of workaholics.

I miss the alcohol.

Today's moot was good. I know I put up a good fight and I did my best already. Nothing to complain about. The experience was great.

They say feeling the pain is knowing that you are alive, in every sense, yes.
But what was not mentioned was that pain itself, could be so massive that it could suck you back into the black hole if you are not careful.

I am tired of studying.
Tired of getting hurt.
Tired of pretense and lies and hypocrisies.
Tired of catching up and staying up to date with surroundings.
Tired of trying.
Tired of feeling the same thing over and over again.
Tired of holding up by myself.
Tired to care yet tired to feel oblivious at the same time.
Tired of trying to forget and forgive.
Tired of having faith on people.
Tired of having meltdowns once in a while.
Tired of feeling disappointed by my 'brothers'.
Tired of feeling tired.
Tired of finding answers to my questions.

I don't like this at all.

I don't want to fall into the black hole.
Not this time. Need to get myself out here before I lose my sanity.

I am tired of searching.
Just come to me then.
I will embrace whole heartedly, if there is any thats left.

A lost traveller I am.
Find me.
Before you can't.

Vanity with a tinge of sanity

2011-04-26T18:00:00.000+08:00

haha. I was tired and bored.

Sorreh for the scare.

boo! XD

Off to study.

Tonight. The lights go on.

2011-04-25T23:46:00.001+08:00

Boo.

2011-04-24T17:30:00.000+08:00

Existence. Well, what does it matter? I exist on the best terms I can.
The past is now part of my future. The present is well out of hand.

- Sam Riley, Control

Lost Traveller

2011-04-24T00:02:00.001+08:00

As I submerged into the water, all I could hear was three things: My heartbeat, my breath, and the water.

Nothing else. It felt so surreal that I am alive. Words failed me to describe that feeling. Then I pushed myself to swim again. Made 10 laps and then I stopped. Adrenaline rush is good once in a while. I remembered the times when I was under a crazy coach. Not crazy literally, but his training was hellish. I have swam consistently in that manner for 8 years, before I stopped for another 8 years. The clubhouse that I went to, has a history of more than 20 years. Still standing strong.

Used to have asthma when I was born, mild one though. Swimming helped me through it. Never my favourite sport, I even dreaded the hellish training. Mr Soon was fierce. He trained professional swimmers too, and he expected all his normal students to go through the same kind of training. I vividly remembered how I used to 'try' to fake being sick. He didn't care and just forced me into the pool. No excuse.

Tonight I miss that feeling, the hardcore swimming lessons. I did summersaults frontwards and backwards in the water, mmm. Not bad. The water calmed me down. Cleared some of my thoughts and allowed spaces for new thoughts.

Kindness.

I have never been the kindest person anyone has met. I admit that I am incapable of being absolutely selfless. I only do what I think is right to do, to give or to take. Today for no apparent reason I have shown kindness to someone I don't even know. I gave away the Sunway theme park discount voucher to someone who needed it, even I have been wanting to go desperately for 2 years already.

Perhaps its because I never get to find anyone to go with me, at this age people are rarely interested in water theme parks any more. I wanted to go because I just feel like it. I have been let down quite a number of times just because people are not keen on it. Or that it is too pricey to go. Either way, I think it was right to give away because its not like I will get to go any time sooner, why not just let her benefit from it then?

I am not usually a very kind person because I think that in life, we have to fight for the things we want. Work for it. I am not kind to people but I care. I just do it my own way. Which includes letting them fall and get back up again rather than just helping them before they fall. The thing is when they fall I will be by their side.

Dreams.

Haven't been dreaming for quite a long time since I pushed away the world behind me. I made myself busy and tired so that I won't think about anything and always, I fell into deep sleep and before I knew it, it time for class already.

Lately things haven't been this way though. Starting from 2 days ago I started dreaming again. Bizarre dreams, yet sad and shocking at times. I dreamt about all the things that I knew, I even dreamt of Sook, 2 of him even, appearing at the same time, side by side each other, each clad in different outfit. One in high school uniform and one in T-shirt and shorts. I dreamt about my group of friends from class, I dreamt about my ex boyfriend. I dreamt that I got so touched by something and I shed some tears. I dreamt about seeing all the people in my dreams in a cinema, not full house but the people there were all the people I know. Estranged love, long lost buddies, and even acquaintances that I could barely remember. Though I shed tears, those dreams were not emotional. Its disturbing. I have been dreaming this sort of dreams for 3 days in a row already.

They made me reluctant to wake up.

The bizarreness. Curiosity in me made me want to stay there for as long as possible, the surreality of those dreams were so enticing.

I did not want to come out of it because in my dreams, I don't feel the hurt. When I woke up every time, apart from headaches, I feel the pain. It was so raw as if it just happened for the very first time.

I took a deep breath.

And then I let my whole body submerged into the water, holding my breath. The heartbeats were real.

I emerged and let out the air.

I walked from the shallowest end of the pool towards the deep end.

As I walked I felt the pressure. As the water level reached half of my head, I could feel the heartbeats at my ears. Its like its going to pop out from my mouth any time.

I stopped at the label 1.6m. I realised something.

That was not 1.6m. Because the water covered my head entirely when I stood straight on my foot. The water level was higher than me by about 5cm. Which means, its supposed to be 1.7m.

Liar.

Human beings are really scary at times. The more you think about it, its always a better option to just get a dog and live with it for your entire life. At least you dog will not betray you, or do any evil deeds on you. You don't have to protect yourself against politics, dramas, and evil people then.

I have voluntarily pushed away many people lately. Friends who are at overseas studying, TDC, and few others that cared.

I don't know how to face it some times. I need to be strong but its hard.

I need someone to talk about it but I don't want to talk about it.

I could joke about it but it still breaks me when I stopped taking it as a big joke.

I don't know. Kind of lost now.

2011-04-23T01:09:00.000+08:00

Silver Cave, Guilin, year 2010

Its not a bad day today after all. Despite the tiredness and headaches I had.

Preparing for finals and stressing out is really taking a toll on me. French class in the morning tomorrow omg. Need to sleep early.

From time to time the tide of waves hit the heart. I was looking at the photos that survived the 'spring cleaning' of the past relationship last night and I even made a slideshow. With music 'Skinny Love' by Birdie. MacB Pro seems to make editing stuffs really easy. I remembered how I dreaded to make even a very simple video last time. I spent more than an hour on that particular video but I never have the heart to finish it. And last night I completed everything in just a mere 10 minutes. A new slideshow/video. 10 minutes. Its either my editing skills are getting much better, or Steve Jobs is just crazy.

Speaking of those photos, they survived because I only realised that I have back up copies in my SD card. I only backup my favourite ones though, the rest, which I think more than a few hundreds of them, are gone forever. Not even on my facebook any more. Shall keep them for the meantime, the pictures look so sweet. Until I have the guts to wipe everything away, they stay. I guess.

I just realised that there are still a few more stuffs that survived the 'spring cleaning' by accident. Truth is, I forgot they even existed. Until I opened my locked drawers, I found them lying safely inside. Need to get rid of them too. Not now, but soon. Need to find a more environmental friendly way. Happy Earth Day people.

Today have been good.

Pictures I posted on my tumblr (yes I do have tumblr), I mean the ones that I posted here every day as well, there were people who liked it. I am happy, even if its only a few people. I submitted to fuckyeahstreetlights (the picture in yesterday's post) as well as aplacetolovedogs. And they accepted my submissions! hahaha. Prolly seems nothing to most people, but its a motivation for me. Seeing people liking my works and reblogging it it felt like an achievement. Yay.

I felt lighthearted when I knew about my successful submissions because all these while I really love photography. Too bad my ex boyfriend was never supportive about it and so is my family. So I would love to prove it to my parents especially, that I can take great photos one day. Not just nice photos, but great ones. So yeah, its really nice to know that out there, there are people who doesn't know me and I don't know them who like my photos. Its an encouragement.

Tomorrow, I want to eat the cold udon mee with half boiled egg again. Mmm... Yummeh~~

I teared up a little when I was going through the mini video I made last night. People change all the times. I really hate that. But I could understand. I just really really hate it. The only thing in life that will remain unchanged is change itself. Always. When you can't keep up with people or when you are moving too fast eventually you will have to part with them. On the journey of soul searching, I want to find out who I really am.

The pang will always be here for now.

I know I will be proud of myself someday. I know I will be grateful someday because I will get through this by myself and stand up straight again. And get stronger.

I want udon mee now.

Haha.

I am thankful that tonight the feeling is not as gloomy as last night. Currently my heart is quite calm. Had a venti of dark mocha today, studied at Starbucks the entire day, met Albert. And Tumblr. Quite contented actually. At least when I look at the picture tonight, pictures of you, I was not really thinking about you but instead I was admiring myself for taking good pictures. Haha. Especially that particular picture where the actor in it was smiling.

Good night.

Help

2011-04-21T23:41:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I feel like I need to be saved.

Just right before I lose control of myself.

Like now.

Its crashing upon me again, those dreams.

Not now, please, not now.
Very very bad timing.

Save me, someone?

Exhausted.

2011-04-20T23:20:00.001+08:00

Extremely.

Very very tiring week. And my entire body is aching. Guess tonight I shall stop studying for awhile, and tomorrow has to be a productive day. =)

Its good, staying this busy and getting tired every night. As long as I don't have enough energy to think about other stuffs.

We survive by remembering, but sometimes we survive by forgetting.

So far I know I am the latter one.
I don't want to remember anything from there.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I don't stick my tongue out at people any more.
Or more like, I can't find people that I am comfortable enough to do so.

I don't make weird cat sounds around people any more too.

Its been 4 years already. 4 years and I have to deal with almost the same feelings, and situation.
Ways of dealing it differ, but still as hard.

I looked into the mirror and I realised my hair is long, I remembered having a fairly long hair 4 years ago too, but I chopped it off, because my hair was something that that person used to love.

I will not chop it off now. Its my hair. I love my hair even though I have not been combing it for months.
Not gonna do it for anyone any more. Some people just don't deserve. Just saying.

Guess these are the minor changes for losing it, and the price to growing up and out.

I am really tired.

Au revoir. Bonne journée!

The Thing Is

2011-04-20T09:15:00.001+08:00

obesity of grief. Lovely.

Lets go on diet then.

The Perfect Murder

2011-04-19T23:57:00.002+08:00

Watching him apprehensively, eyeing every movement he makes. Being alert and watchful, not a single move is made. Just in case. She have been spying on him carefully, now and then for a few weeks already, and every single detail of his daily routines are well recited in her mind.

She is determined to kill. She has to. It is the only way for her survival. And her children too. Beautiful children. She was a killer, still is, just like him. She has no choice but to kill him, or else it would be the death of her lovely children.

He, is the bachelor. Cold hearted, ignorant and lonely. He lives in the desert, where the sky is so bright and the air is so dry that one could feel that water is being suck out from the body. Literally. He is a nomad, a recluse, antisocial, and is extremely unwelcoming when in presence of any guest.

She have been trailing his paths for weeks, regardless of night and day.

The day has finally arrived. At last opportunity knocks on her door. As soon as her children are put into bed, she leaves them. She hates leaving them alone like that, unguarded, but she has no choice. There is no way she would want them to get involved in this massive turmoil. The mess should be only faced by her and her alone.

Broad day light. She is out again, eagerly waiting for her victim. There are butterflies in her stomach, and despite running through the plan again and again in her tiny little mind she is still quite nervous. Just then, he walks out from the safety of his shelter, just like any other day. He is set to find his victim. She found him.

One shot. Just one shot is what she has. Missing it, would mean death for her. Success, would mean that this would be the last time he gets to feel the scorching sun. Standing high up on the top of the mountain, she aims at his head. It must be a head shot. Her eyes dilate, and glitter with lust as she thinks about the success of her fool-proof assassination.

It is time. The sun rises high up in the sky, letting the rays of light to pierce through their bodies. It is time to strike. Her heart is pounding rapidly, and so hard that it might just pop out of her tiny mouth. This mission, is of life and death. A single mistake and her world is doomed.

Her mind is set. As he walks into her striking area, she approaches him slowly and swiftly until she reaches the perfect striking distance, and then, with a sudden, quick-dive she is now upon him, brutally attacking his fragile head, giving him a shock that would be stuck in his little brain till his last breath. He begs for mercy. He screams hysterically until his voice is sore. No one could hear him. Mercy does not exist in her dictionary. He pleas and struggles in futile.

Her beak, as sharp and hard as diamonds are, with the heart of an iceberg, she crushes harder into the rattlesnake's skull. Feeling triumphant and relieved, the eagle carries the carcass of the dead rattlesnake, soaring high up to the air. She can go back to her children now. They must be hungry. Mission accomplished.

2011-04-19T00:36:00.000+08:00

Have been really tired and busy lately.

Both mentally and physically.

I shall stay strong.

Because ah Yau said 'You are a warrior.'

Yes.

Clutching myself tight. I shall walk on.

Strut with poise.

Another picture I took yesterday.

Hope you enjoy the picture.
Do comment if you feel like it. =)

Off to study.
Good luck to self.

2011-04-18T01:37:00.000+08:00

The cat behind my house, glaring at me when she heard the shutter sound of my camera.

Just watched 'se7en' and 'Never Let Me Go'.

As usual, I love movies like these two.

Favorite quote from 'Se7en':

William Somerset: I just don't think I can continue to live in a place that embraces and nurtures apathy as if it was virtue.
David Mills: You're no different. You're no better.
William Somerset: I didn't say I was different or better. I'm not. Hell, I sympathize; I sympathize completely. Apathy is the solution. I mean, it's easier to lose yourself in drugs than it is to cope with life. It's easier to steal what you want than it is to earn it. It's easier to beat a child than it is to raise it. Hell, love costs: it takes effort and work.

With 3 great actors in the movie, plus the director that directed several other of my favorite movies, there is no reason not to watch. It was a brilliant thriller, its creepy in a way where you know how the murderer committed the murder but the process was not shown. Glimpses of the end product of the murders were shown and its sufficient to provoke one's thoughts. Seeing that this movie was done in the 90s', it is quite unusual for this movie to end in an anti-protagonist manner. Best part of this movie is that violence is portrayed in a silent manner, to me its not gory, but it is the quiet manner in which the violence was portrayed that gave the most impact on my thoughts. It provoked thoughts that are quite disturbing. But worth thinking.

'Never Let Me Go' on the other hand, was a fairly new movie. If not mistaken I think it came out last year, and my main reason of watching it was because Andrew Garfield and Keira Knightly was in it. Haha. It turned out that it was another sad ending too, but nonetheless its quite a good movie in my opinion. As opposed to the one before this, this movie is not a thriller. No gore, no violence. To some it may seem boring because despite the mysteries going on, and there was suspense in the story, its not uplifting as expected. Even though the mystery and suspense part did not live up to my expectations for this movie, I like it because it focuses on the feelings of each characters. It touches me because of how surreal and raw the feelings from the characters were. Its not an exceptionally great movie, but its definitely worth the watch. Carey Mulligan's acting skills was beyond expectation. Seriously. and also the girls who played in the childhood of both Mulligan and Knightley.

I can't wait. I can't wait till I am being set free.

I don't usually feel it any more, but I still do feel it occasionally.

Its hard.

Please set me free.

Looks are Deceiving

2011-04-17T01:40:00.002+08:00

Quote of the day, from Mao, while he was staring at me eating 2 Subway sandwiches and a cup of ice lemon tea:

" If I did not know anything about you, I would have thought that your parents never feed you enough."

Haha.

Some people have seen worse. I eat like a monster sometimes. Some. XD

Picture above, is my youngest dog, Mou Mou.

What do you think about her?

Today, by far was the most productive day for me.

French from 9-12.40pm, and then study straight till 8pm++

And these few days have been a good few days. I met up with friends that I haven't seen for some time.

Today too.

I never forget about the moving on part. Everybody move on.

I am moving on, and lately I have been thinking less about that person already.

At least now, I could control myself and stop myself from wandering back to the past. It is no longer a magnet to me.

But I also realise that this does not mean I am ready to face it again.

Walking away, is still the only choice rather than going back and face it in my face.

So I guess for now I will be fine as long as I stay away from it, until the day where the wound is healed, and no grudge anymore, I will be back.

It was really nice to see Sheng today.

Though most the times we were only studying, I kind of miss those times where we talked at the old ECA.

The old home of TDC. =)

I can't remember how exactly this conversation started, but then Sheng suddenly asked me what is my type of guys?

And guess what,

suddenly this brilliant ideal relationship came into my mind.

I want someone that could be an individual and let me be an individual when I am with him. Someone whom I could rely on but will not take away my identity as a person, an individual, and neither would he let me take away his individuality. I always have the tendency to rely on someone emotionally when I fall for someone, but I don't like this. I want someone who could allow me to truly be myself, as well as being himself when we are together. My ideal relationship would be two individuals falling for each other, and not two person fusing into one.

Yup. Basically what I said to him. I have no idea if anyone would get it, but the point is, I don't want to be someone's shadow, or that someone to be my shadow. I want someone who would support me, but at the same time give me the courage to be independent on myself. Someone who makes me feel that I don't have to change anything just for him.

When I meet this guy, I am just gonna hold on to him and never let go. Never.

You see la.
hahaha.

舉得起，放得下，叫舉重，舉不起，放不下，叫負擔

我选择举重，
就放过我吧。

Old Flame. Burnt Out Candle.

2011-04-16T01:35:00.001+08:00

Found this picture in my camera's memory card.
My hand got itchy so I decided to edit it a bit, and hmm. Nice feeling.

I think I will try to post a picture up everyday, to test my photography and photo editing skills.

=)

Anyway, not much to talk about tonight, because I am too exhausted already.
Have been a long day with lecture from 10-5pm, with breaks in between, but still I am very tired.

Just did my French homework and it starts to feel a bit tough already.

Today have been a good day.
=)
Many laughters when I was with that bunch of jokers.

I was so blur today that at one point I thought Tim's food was not here yet when in fact he have already finished his meal. hahaha. and funny thing was I thought Tim disappeared during lecture today while the truth was he was just next to me all the time.

LOL.

Today was cool.
With the exception that I strained my right wrist again (don't worry I am a left hander), the old wound. Ah.
And also the 2 freaking hours of traffic jam back home.
With a few stupid drivers on the road.

Yup, I drove my dad back home since he already drove 2 hours to fetch me.

You know, there are always some things that are so enticing. And its really really hard to resist yourself from it.

I am trying to control.
Suppress suppress.

=)

My brain was raped in the night of slam poetry...

2011-04-15T00:24:00.002+08:00

What do you think about this picture above?

I took it when I was in the library today, and edited it because I like the vintage feel.

Note that the pair of oxford heels were not placed properly. Left on the right and the right on the left.

Isn't our life like that too?

Sometimes misplaced, sometimes messed up?

Worth a thought on it. =)

Hello there!!

Just got home from the Candles and Coffee: A Night of Slam Poetry event at Lakeside.

I am mind-fucked.

Seriously.

I never thought I would have met people that talented, and write and read out their poems in such a beautiful way.

And by saying this, is an understatement itself.

I kid you not.

And this, is by far the most exciting and arousing night ever.

I recorded the entire thing, but stupid me, I don't really know how to operate audacity so now my files are all messed up and I am worried if I would never be able to recover it. But I will try. Not now but some time when I am really free. I can foresee hours of concentration. O.o

Anyway, I am glad I went.

Thanks to Daecan who invited me, and Jake and Derek for the most hearfelt poems.

Jake, no matter how many times I have heard your first poem, tonight, I could still feel the touchiness of your poem and it never fail to bring tears to my eyes.

Really.

Though you presented it differently tonight, you touched my heart with your words.

The first time seeing your video, the feeling was raw. After numerous times of practicing, it felt matured, but yet the same time one could literally feel your world.

you were my right wing

and I was your destination

Tonight, I am grateful to be there.

I was appalled by the level of each poets, be it from Taylor's itself or outside Taylor's.

I am proud to have such talented friends.

our world was fast and loud

always filled with the symphonies of youth

held high like a glass to toast

I am really out of words to describe how I feel right now.

I did not just meet my friends,

they are like my brothers.

Brothers whose interest is the same as me.

Art is everything. Yet art, is nothing. Said someone.

and on most days we felt untouchable

until the time came when

the music was drowned out

by the sound of the first moment we started

to realize that we were actually breakable

I have been deprived of hugs lately

Hugging them, feeling the love, and feeling the joy of passion, getting excited when the minds met.

ONE HELLUVA EXPERIENCE.

I have met people that I am intrigue with.

People I haven't been seeing for a long time.

Cause when I first told you that I love you

I was being careful

Picking my words slowly

so they don't hold me back

Daecan,

one of my buddies in high school.

And my dance crew member.

Those days.

I miss your witty jokes, I miss your silly doodles, I miss your writings.

Its just so good to see you at this event.

The feeling was just so awesome.

the night's blizzard is an endless riot

you don't have to go through this alone

We could be running for all of time

because just like how the road

ahead of us never ends

I would love you like there is no finish line

Jake and Derek,

THANK YOU BOTH.

Thank you for the breathtaking poems.

Thank you for the hugs.

Thank you for being a blast.

I love you both,

because just simply you both gave me the warmest feeling every time I see either of you.

Its nice having sensitive guys around,

one is like my sister and another will be my brother.

here in my arms you are the safest child

so breath out as much as you want

and let the noises die down

Though both of you are younger than me,

I felt that you both are like older siblings that I could turn to when I need.

now crawl right back to bed

come back down to earth

bring your head close to my chest

We don't hang out as often as some people I hang out with.

But the quality of the meetings way surpassed many other meetings.

Conversations were not wasted.

not to say that others were a waste, but very often after talking to you both I felt contented.

and let the sound of my heartbeat

sing you back to sleep

The meeting of minds.

The sensitivity.

The understanding.

firefly, catch my eye and beckon

it's funny how you used to make me naive and believe for a second

that we were perfect because you used to tell me sweet nothings

Jake's style of slamming reminded me of Dead Poets Society. I don't know how it actually relates, but it just reminded me of it.

See, I have told you I am at lost of words tonight.

like how you counted stars in the sky and for each one you told me a reason why you loved me

and everything was alright until you ran out of stars to count

Derek's style was well, Derek's style. Haha.

He was twitching at first, but he got into the mood quite soon after that and then, everything just went smoothly.

firefly be my guise, be the lens of my eyes

you entice me cause you know how slow my head goes, an dhow my heart leaps instead

and I should be careful for what I wish for, before everything goes to pieces

The poems,

they were so alarmingly beautiful.

I implore you,

I dread the uncertainty and conjecture

There were other poets too,

a guy named Jamal who did such a wonderful job at relating our lives as a Malaysian, to the education system that we were accustomed to.

It was not to criticise, but more to remind us how it used to be in school.

How a teacher, be the backbones of the students.

Everyone was brought back to our primary school days where we responded to "Bangun" "Selamat sejahtera cikgu" "Duduk" routine.

Though monotonous,

many feelings were derived out of these 3 particular lines.

I hate way you flutter just our of reach my fingers

you linger just long enough

enough to make me wonder and challenge fate

then berate myself when I move just a little too late

It was a night to remember.

A night where words were said and no judgement was passed.

A night where regardless of what skin colour you are, where you come from, what is your culture like, you are being united through words.

Through passion for words.

firefly in circles, pull my strings and lead me

give me hope and deceive me

you weave a love story of hate and regret and I , bereft of the ability to forget

can never run away from the glow of your light and in spite of how you might destroy me

I can't help but think you're right every now and then again

Through the power of words, that I believe many people have underestimated, we feel what each other feels.

It was dark in the theatre, but we know the stories behind each poems.

We felt them.

I left,

feeling satisfied,

contented,

and my mind wide open.

firefly, be dark and out of sight, be the void, be night

be silent and swept under the carpet of existence

Tonight, I fell in love.

I fell in love with the thing that I have always fell for, but forgotten at one point.

I dare not open my eyes; I hold her hand tight,

until you dance through my mind every day and night sometimes, dear firefly

I found pleasure.

and love.

And the fire burning in me.

Fire of passion.

I promised Derek I would post up my old poems if I could find them. I hope I could find them. Haha.

By the way the words in Italics are fragments from the poems written by Jake and Derek. Purple ones were from Jake's and the blue ones would be from Derek.

Hope you enjoy this post tonight.

I love you, Jake, hahaha. And Derek.

Damn I love you both so much haha.

Thanks to mao mao who went to the event too. I hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did. Or aroused. hahahaha.

Touch. Feel. Live.

2011-04-14T00:22:00.002+08:00

As I was stepping towards the car, I could not help looking back. Locking my gaze at the rooftop, I thought about that time. Our first kiss, on that very rooftop where no one was at. The passion that burned throughout. It belonged to us. That moment.

I could not help but to look at the rooftop, reliving every single details through my mind.

Then I continued walking.

As the car drove around Lakeside before exiting, I took a last glimpse of the rooftop, before it faded along with the sunset behind it.

I miss kissing someone so passionately.

I miss being hugged so tightly by the person I love, and also I miss that kiss on the forehead.

I miss it when someone just put his hands on both my shoulders while staring straight into my eyes, reassuring everything would be alright.

I miss leaning on someone's shoulder when watching movies.

Or when someone put his hands over my shoulders.

And also the few mornings when that was the first person I saw when I woke up.

I miss the feelings. Not that person from the past.

I can't wait to meet the person that would bring me back to my calm mind when I am drown in the storms of emotions.

Unfortunately, it takes being in the storm to know how good it is on the beach. And it takes accidentally eating poop to understand that not everything is made of chocolate.

Someone said that gratitude is the antidote for the venoms in life. Yes. Be grateful that you know what its like to suffer, so that you know what joy is. It is because of the darkness only we could see the light outshining the dark. After living through the storm you know how beautiful a sunny day is.

No matter what, if I could choose again, I would prefer to erase the part where we were together.

Because apart from being hurtful, it tainted the memories of our used to be friendship too.

I realised I can't be truly happy with you around as part of my past.

And so, like a rising phoenix, I emerge from the ash of my compost heap. I curtsy to the living and the dying of all prospects, objects, and subjects. To understand joy I am grateful I know suffering. To heal from loss and forgetfulness, I am grateful I forget that I ever knew all is already perfect. There’s no other way to truly express love and compassion until you can be trusting, loving and compassionate with yourself. It is this safe journey thru layers of contradictions that I accept life as it is in constant renewal, constant creation. A constant things-are-never-going-to-be-the-same-again-wow-this-is-fucking-serious transformation. I am grateful for what I see, and everything I won’t ever see.

~~~~~~~

Thanks to Onion for my Starbucks fix today. Venti really did a good job on fixing me. Haha.

Should have another coffee session after finals, where we talk crap and enjoy good food. Food buddy.

Everyday I realise new things. Especially when you are alone, you tend to notice more things. As much as I miss having someone by my side, I enjoyed my solitude today on the way to Sunway. Public transports have been kind to me today as I did not have to wait for long. Bus, LRT, then bus again. No waiting at all, as if they were there just for me.

I felt superior.

I realised that the primary school that I used to go for friendly match in table tennis was in Brickfields all these while.

I realised my dad's old office was there too.

I also realised that the bus I was on actually do stop at one of my high school's close friend's housing are. And that I have been there at least twice.

I realised that, today there was exceptionally more people on the bus to Subang area.

Instead of reading my Criminal text on the bus, I observed everyone on the bus. On everyone's face, there is always a story behind it. And I ponder about those stories. They do not look well off, some of them, and I know, from the places they waited for the bus, some of them might be struggling with financial problems too. The older women in the bus were regulars, and when they met up from different stops they started talking with each other, they were speaking in Tamil so I had no idea what they were talking about. But the way they were chirping off caught my attention. They seem happy and contented.

I am curious about everyone else's stories, so curious that I forgot about my own problems.

I wonder, when they see me, a girl with red wine coloured hair clad in red tee and white shorts, hugging to a red laptop sleeve and a dictionary-thick book, with another enormous bag. Oh and pale yellow slippers. What would they see in me?

Hmm..

By the way, I only spent RM4 today for everything including lunch. I used RM1 to top up my access card for the bus, and RM3 for pizza at Papa John's with Mao. A friggin' 12" pizza.

Because I am awesome like that. Hah.

I have a coupon for 50% discount voucher plus another RM10-off-the-bill voucher.

Ever since I hit college, collecting coupons and finding cheap bargains is a must. Because I would love to enjoy quality stuffs at a lower price. Hehe.

~~~~~~

Life is about inspirations. Inspirations come from inspirations.

Turn around.

Take a breath.

Walk on. Forward.

Thank you to those who inspired.

Truly.

...Crying doesn't mean you are weak.

Since birth, its a sign that you are alive...

Of thoughts and coffee and bread

2011-04-12T20:38:00.000+08:00

Good morning.

For a very long time I have not worn my bright red cap. And today, for no apparent reason, I am wearing it to class.

This particular cap, I used to wear it quite often when I was in college back then. Made me look more like a street dancer. Haha. After I started my degree, I realized that my style of wearing have became more feminine rather than the tomboyish style that I used to have. Last time, in order to make it convenient for me to dance, I always wear either a bright colored T-shirt or a tank top. And a pair of loose trousers. Now I am either wearing dress to classes or a nice top with shorts.

I miss those colorful days.

Today I wear my cap along with my spider bear tee and yellow shorts. With my hoodie. The only thing that looks out of place would be the pair of slippers. Have been feeling lazy lately to match everything I wear haha. But I curled my hair a bit though. Now that its long up till my breast, I like it curly. =)

Last night, I had one of those pangs again. I know probably I will never get an answer to my questions, but I just can't help thinking about it. I remember someone kept reassuring me that I will never be let go, no matter what, but the reality seem to proved me otherwise in a very cruel manner. Why? I didn't want to get into thinking of why did I deserve all these and other depressing thoughts, so I decided to believe that perhaps, or should I say that, definitely this is because something better and bigger is waiting for me in front.

The pain was bad. I could felt as if someone dug through my chest just to squeeze my heart. Again and again I felt the same thing throughout the night before I slept. I did not weep. As I said, its passed the phase that I could cry at the sight of anything that trigger the memories. I really can't wait till everything is over. Truly over.

Now I am sitting in the class and everyone is late. Except for Janet and I. Mr Mark is late too. Class canceled maybe?? Lol. Typical Tuesday. Can't wait till the next lecture when I could actually see the entire gang of us. During tutorial days it would be only Siva, Marcia and me.

Will be going to Lakeside later. =) Perhaps that would cheer me up a bit?

~~~~~~~~~~

Its almost 12pm now.

And I am sitting at the DSA centre of HELP wanting to complete my tutorial questions for Criminal. But then, there is this guy, whom I could only glance from the reflections on my Mac, playing guitar.

I get turned on.

Ahhh.

Anyone who knew me well enough would know that I am a sucker for guys who can play guitars. Be it acoustic or classical. omg. ESPECIALLY CLASSICAL!! ahhhh. Every note he plays, triggers the excitement in me. T.T Feel like talking to him but hahahahha, I would look like an idiot. LOL. Shit. And he can't stop playing my favorite guitar songsssssssss……no~~~

Hahahaha.

but yeah, its enjoyable.

I know I sound silly now, but hahahaha. Its so lovely. Reminded me of one of my ex who used to play guitar when we were on the phone for me.

OMG i cant stand it.

hahahahha.

so turned on wtf.

I just loveeeee guys who could play guitars. ahhhh. >.

~~~~~~~~~

The first 2 parts of the post was written when I was at HELP today.

Now, I am on my bed, waiting to use the bathroom after my brother.

Being alone at Lakeside for a couple of hours made me think.

About people. And about people trying to achieve things and giving up on things.

Its scary to look back sometimes. When people said 'BFFs forever', 'till death do us apart' and etc.
And then now those that said these to another person could barely even recognize each other. Barely.
Imagine someone used to stand naked in front of you, and you thought you have seen it all.
Then one day you realize that what you have been seeing all these while, those standing naked in front of you, was just the shell of that person and you, in fact, never knew what was going on in the inside.
Until one day when you look at that shell again you realize that you have never known anything at all.

Life is always about trying.
But ironically, people often give up, before even really trying.
They look past the importance of that one thing, that bump. Then they turn away from it, leaving it in the middle of the road and move on. Until the next bump appears, they would walk the same way. Bump appears again, they diverge again.
Is this the life we are actually looking for then?
Giving up when its difficult?
Instead of trying to remove the bump.
You walk away.
Some may say that its too tiring to remove the bump because its too big and would be a waste of time.
But have you ever thought that, in the process of removing it you could take a rest, take a breath, and then continue? And eventually, perhaps, the road that you managed to clear will be the one that is the best?
If you choose to move to another road just because the current one have a big bump and its blocking your way, how would you be sure that you actually will not regret giving up on it later on, after knowing that you have actually missed something important in your life?
At least when you tried, and it turned out to be a dead end, you know you tried.

Just saying.

Life is a journey. Its up to us to find our destinations.

Lets just forget about the 'What Ifs' and live with 'What Is' =)

2011-04-11T23:39:00.002+08:00

Hi there! =)

I know I didn't write anything last night, only shared a song that I felt so related to. Was having some downs yesterday. Basically my Sundays are not that cheerful all the while unless I have something to do rather than staying at home.

So yeah, yesterday the roller coaster of emotions was at one of the valleys but today its up again =)
Not at the peak, but good enough.

Quote of the day:

Siva: "Well guess who's fault is it? Someone didn't realize the 'vibrator' (he was referring to Marcia's phone) was in her bag all this while..."

hahahahaha. We were almost late for class waiting for Marcia because she had to go to the bank and then she thought she left her phone at Nando's where we had our lunch. hahahaha.. Luckily we got back just right on the dot. Win.

Last night I was being so emotional when I was talking to one of my juniors. And then I texted Yao Yao. I had mixed feelings. Can't wait till this Thursday which I will be attending a slam poetry session. I might try to write something if I am inspired before that day, haha, if not I shall just watch Jake and Daecan's performance. Really can't wait.

It amazes me that how much 'life' I am having right now. Though I still feel the pain, and it hurts quite often, but doing other things just for my own's sake is somewhat comforting at times. I feel more contented. Which is kind of a very good distraction. I am still trying to find a balancing point to deal with my feelings.

Lets see, what I have been up to lately:

1. Constantly trying to focus on revisions for finals.
2. Preparing for my moot. I am enjoying this process haha. A bit up tight about it at first when I was about to submit my submissions, but since that one is over already, the mooting part shall be interesting hehe.
3. French class!! Salut! Je m' appelle Irene Wong. hahahaha.
4. Staying out of FB. Apart from the 'out of sight, out of mind' part, its nice that I could stop my addiction towards FB haha. For the record, haven't been there for the 3rd week already.
5. Hooked up on kpop. LOLLL. Iylia will be superrrr happy to know this XD
6. Enjoying the company of my course mates. Today I was exceptionally happy being with them for no apparent reason.
7. Writing a lot. Well, isn't that obvious? =D
8. Last but not the least, hanging out with Mao and lala. Words just can't summarize how grateful I feel about this. Really. The endless skyping with Mao, and talking and crapping with lala. OMGWTFDAMNAWESOME. yes.

There is someone which I really appreciate. I feel that using words to describe how I feel about this person was absolutely inadequate. Not saying that I am falling for this person, but I just like how this person is there when I need a shoulder to lean on, literally or figuratively. Nothing more than friendship, but that feeling is warm. I know my boundaries. I like things the way it is. Nothing more nothing less. I like the feeling of being free spirited, do what I want, with no strings attached to my emotions. This, is the ideal relationship with people for me right now. I guess.

Okie, its a short one tonight. =)
I am satisfied today. With bunch of wonderful people, and Nando's. And good music.
Despite a long day of 6 hours lecture.
Oh and good book from my favorite author.

Honour among Thieves. Jeffrey Archer.
Adele- Rolling In the Deep
<3

Guess you know my ounces of 'okay' for today?
I still do miss you. But only as my once best buddy. Seriously.

Breakeven- The Script

2011-04-10T17:55:00.002+08:00

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no it don't breakeven, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no

Francium

2011-04-10T00:41:00.000+08:00

Bonjour,

Today was not too good, but neither was it too bad for me.

I had my first French class this morning =)
Was quite reluctant to get my ass out of the bed in the morning because last night have been a long night. I let my emotions crashed on me for a while. Was kind of nice having to skype with Natasha for the first time, haha, at least that made me felt slightly better. I slept late without doing any revision, and that was bad. Worse still, I was sooooooooo sleepy this morning that even when I reached Bangsar for my lesson I was still half awake. =S

Bad bad.

But French class was interesting. Haha. Our teacher's name is Monsieur Riché. He was born in Paris and grown up in Bordeaux. Both places that I wanted to go quite badly. XD I think I was the youngest students among my classmates, most of them are either there for pleasure purpose, or their company requires them to learn French, or for study purposes. I took up French because I am fascinated by their culture. French cuisines, Musée de Louvre, macaroons, foie gras etc. hehehe. Oh and Monsieur Da Vinci. Tuileries Garden. Marie Antoinette. Well, and also because I want to fill my time doing something useful rather than sulking at home at the bad memories.

I know some day I will be thankful to myself for keeping myself busy like this instead of wasting my time off thinking about things that I can't do much about.

French was fun to learn. Though slightly complicated at first because Monsieur Riché was not good in English and we, the beginners have no idea how to speak French. Haha. But eventually we got it. Yay to us.

Lunch at Delicious was hmm, delicious. Haha. I didn't order any main course but instead I indulged myself into peppermint and lemon thyme tea, tiramisu and strawberry pavlova. Quite filling, I must say, with the addition of antipasti platter that was ordered later on. Haven't been eating anything too sweet since the week that I fell too ill, and I am happy enough to let my sweet tooth take control today.

Lately I realized that I have slimmed down. =)
Well, all this while I am not the kind of person that would gain weight no matter how much I eat, and trust me, I do eat like a monster. Depression before this was so bad that I basically chucked everything that is edible into my mouth all the time. To the extent that my waist was wider by about 1-2inches. Terrible. And then I fell sick for about 2 weeks I think. Now that I have been monitoring my food intake and made a point to take care of myself, though at times when I was too busy I tend to forget that I haven't been eating for the entire day, my waist has gone back to normal. I could fit in to pants that were too tight before this without any trouble.

I love looking at my body right now in the mirror. Haha. Talk about being vain.

I put on the swimwear that I bought about 5-6 years ago and surprisingly it fit me well. What an achievement. My family is kind of conservative so I don't wear a bikini when going swimming with them.

Speaking of swimming, I haven't been swimming (as in really swimming) for 9 years already. Wow.
I remember how my instructor used to force me to swim. 86-90 over rounds at a 25feet pool, and then later on he trained us at the olympic sized pool (50 feet in length), about 50-60 rounds within 2hours. I don't think I could do that ever again. Haha. I can't remember how I survived the hellish training last time either.

According to someone, I am like a Francium. Haha. It is the most unstable element in the periodic table. He said that among the bunch of friends I probably would be the last to settle down because of my very reactive nature. Hahahha. I like that. Francium is also one of the rarest elements that could be found and its usage is still yet to be fully explored. Something tells me that, haha, perhaps like Francium I am meant for bigger things? XDJust a thought. hahaha.

A close friend said that the more he see me everyday, the more he felt like I am a new friend to him. Very unpredictable. Hahaha. Well, that is because I am Irene. I think I have multiple personalities. Oh and I have no idea how many I have by the way. Yet to be explored. Different people think of me differently, I realized, and sometimes different in extreme. To others, I am kind, mean, heartless, soft hearted, loud, quiet, hardworking (??!!), lazy, materialistic, deep, fun, interesting, shallow, ladylike, tomboy etc etc. I rarely know people from 2 different places who see me the same way. That, is something that is yet to be explored. Haha.

Basically what I want is not complicated, but its because of the want of a simplest thing that makes my life complicated.

What is a family?
Answer:
Family is group of people that will stick on with each other no matter what happens. Whether they have ever hurt each other or not, eventually they will go back to each other. The love between family members, is way beyond our typical boyfriend girlfriend kind of love. This family love, it will never fade as time passed. We accept each other for who they are no matter how much an ass they would be. Even when sometimes the things they do are so unforgivable, the care never fade. Even if we are mad at each other, the bond will never break. That is family.

I am waiting for that one family member that I have lost to find the way back. I believe that true family would wait with open arms. My arms are opened.

Rojak

2011-04-08T23:02:00.000+08:00

I dont know why but I realized that the count for my readers hiked up these 2 months. Just right when I was so depressed.

Why lah?

>.<

I didn't know it was nice to read about other people's depression.

Not really feeling good right now. I am deprived of hugs. I miss Alan. I meant the Alan I used to know. And my mum kept asking about him lately, but I didn't tell her anything apart that we are busy so we don't meet up. Sigh.

I looked into my reflection on my Mac and saw my sad sad face. And told myself, 'You can do it. Irene mah, sure can.'Forced to smile at myself, I felt dumb. =.=

So much for trying to cheer myself up.

And I wish, I really wish, that I could just pick up the phone and call him. Then I wonder, what would he think then? Would he just yell at me for calling him so randomly?? No, its not that I am afraid of him yelling at me. I just.. I think I can't afford to get hurt again. Its not the love that I am looking for, I just want to retrace the friendship, if there is any thats left.

Time time time time...

TIME.
sigh.

I wish, I could settle all these before I leave.
Damn fucking hard.

Focus.
Focus.
50+ days till finals.
Nice.

Hello there =)

2011-04-08T17:46:00.000+08:00

Am at Lakeside now, got kind of bored so I decided to explore my Mac's photo features. hahah. Not too bad eh?

Love the effects.

=) Thanks?

2011-04-08T00:27:00.002+08:00

2011-04-07T19:18:00.000+08:00

Today was a long day.
Guess what am I up to now? Chilling at starbucks. Just had my latest cafeine fix and I am =)

Rushed my submission through today, it was kind of hellish hahaha. But not too bad. Just when I thought my partner could not wake up on time, I found him in the library. haha. It was quite nice, the feeling, rushing stuffs with my friends. Tim was the earliest to arrive, hahaha, I was sleeping at the ground floor, as usual when he reached so he didn't really notice me. XD Siva told me he would be there at 8am. Same goes for my partner. And guess what, I actually woke Siva up at 8.30. Apparently he did not sleep last night. XD

I can't explain the comfort that I felt when I was with them. Which includes Marcia and Yao yao. I like calling Yao yao as yao yao because it sounded cute. hahahahha. His actual name is See Yau (soya sauce in cantonese XD ) and when you write it wrongly he could be 'See You'. hahahahha. Anyway, we didn't even have lunch together because all of us were sooooo busy. But I felt good when I was with them.

Was getting slightly frustrated when I realised I missed the bus. It left as soon as I reached the stop. =.= Didn't even bother to stop because the driver didn't notice me waving frantically at him. And then I bump into him, yes, I bumped into Alan Thong who seem to be oblivious of my existence. Just continued talking to his friend even when I was staring at him (Well my gaze didn't stay for long, but still...). Which reminded me of the posts I blogged since long time ago about having him in my life. Things really changed a lot and so does people. The only thing that I am afraid in this world is losing people from my life. Its still the same now but what can I do? I could not stand the thoughts of it and staying at the campus would lead me to other nonsensical thoughts so I decided to spend a few more bucks to take a cab to the LRT station instead. I can't stay at that place any more. It used to be a place where I was waiting for someone. And hopes were shattered at this place too. Today, I just can't take it.

Surprisingly, while on the way I decided to call Mao, asking him to check for me the bus schedule from Lakeside to Sunway. Guess what, he happened to be at Bangsar LRT station. LOL. Talk about surprises. Seems like he is on one of his super spontaneous trip to KL the entire morning. And I didn't expect to see him on Thursdays. Especially when I was already leaving Bangsar later than usual today. I made up my mind not to drop by the studio today because I am really tired, and it would be late when I reached Subang. I love spontaneous plans and hence I met up with Mao at the station and went to Taman Jaya, where his car was parked. hahahah. And I drove his Myvi today and got lost around Taman Jaya. Epic fail. Can't imagine that I used to study there for 5 freaking years. And we still ended up in Bangsar. hahahhaha. But I managed to bring the both of us back to Lakeside safe and sound after paying 2 tolls. XD What a trip. I am still considered as competent driver according to Mao, despite one close to near death experience. I would still say that it was the driver's fault hahahah.

Anyway, I am alone now at Lakeside since Mao Mao is supposed to just drop me here and go home.
I find peace in my dark mocha and my Mac Pro. And I am in my favorite purple spaghetti top. With lace vest. And favorite black shorts. Comfy comfy. Shameless me is sitting at the couch where there was a couple which was sitting there too. hahaha. There are 5 couches altogether, only 2 occupied and I am in my lazing mood, so bueh pai seh (without shame) I just put my stuffs down and sat there. Hahahha. Damn chilled. Thank goodness they ignored me and I am now in my own world.

=)

I can't exactly use words to describe how I am feeling right now. At this exact moment. I let my thoughts flow through my mind, I let the memories run wild. I took a virtual trip down the memory lane, further than I thought I would go. I went back to year 2009, where my life turned into another phase. I was reading my old blog last night. Haha and the pictures I found. Pictures of me and my bf before Alan, yes. Quite some time back. I remember before things got sour we did have nice memories too. But if I were to be an outsider and look at those pictures, I would find it hard to imagine that these 2 person used to be together.

That previous relationship wasn't as hurtful as this one. Wasn't as dramatic too. More like 2 person who almost instantly got attracted and got together. With no burden from the past. Too bad we weren't able to commit to each other. If it wasn't because those days were documented, I think I might have forgotten how happy we could be together. Life itself awed me. Really. Well, I will still consider him as an ass for doing stupid things after we broke up, but nonetheless, when I look back, I know that it would be nice if we still talk the same manner to each other as we did last time. Hmm. Life. I never realize that we could actually look so good together at that point. I just could not take my eyes off that picture which Mao took for the both us. At that point of time we must have been really into each other. Must have.

Funny how life changes people.

Then I looked at my grad ball's pictures. Just last year. It was my happiest night in so many years. Happiest. The thought about thinking that you have found the one, the very person who knew you so well and that you both are happily together, that feeling is something that I don't think I will ever forget. The most memorable part wasn't the prom part, nor the dancing part (though I think ours was quite weird in a nice way hahaha), not the clubbing part too, but instead it was the sitting at the corridor of the business suite floor in a 5 star hotel and talked the entire night that was the best. The talking part which started off at the pool side and then I fell asleep when he went off for awhile and then we decided to go upstairs, not to sleep, but to talk. And the part where I was so happy talking even though I was dead tired and was undoing my hair. There were dozens of pins on my hair and I think I left them at that corridor. Haha. That was my happiest night with you.

By the way, my mum have been asking about you. And I said you are just busy.

I don't know where the future will bring us all. I have been thinking about these two relationships I had because these two person still connect with my life in a certain way. We share a big family, not literally, but still, family. I think that as long as this family exist, there is no way we could hate each other. And I do not hate any of them now. Maybe at some point before this I did say that I hate them, but most probably it was because my emotions got the better of me.

You see, I walked too further down the memory lane already. But luckily I walked further than expected because if I were to only stop in last year, I might still be blaming on a dozen of things that I have missed. Walking back let me look at things from a wider perspective.

I am saying these not because I want to delude myself so that I could avoid feeling depressed. Someone said that I should not hide how I feel in front of people because then people would think that I am so strong and they will not mind hurting me. But this is how I am alright? I am always true to my feelings, I don't like a person, I don't speak to them, and better still, if I don't have the need to see them, I will not. I will not torture myself in that sense but keeping certain things to myself have became part of who I am. This does not mean that it is okay for people to hurt me and I would still stay quiet even when I am bullied. Its just because perhaps I have found a better way of dealing it. Like, writing. I love how my thoughts were set free when I started writing.

Time to head home. =)
Today have been a good day.
Ounce of 'okay'? The little surprises in life and the serenity and calmness. and Dark Mocha.

Turbulence

2011-04-07T07:26:00.003+08:00

This is going to be quick post. Its already 2.32 am. I need more sleep. Ignore the time below the post. I switched the internet off early tonight that is why this post will only be up a few hours later.

Its been a habit already for me to blog every night before i go to bed. Felt like this would keep me sane.

Today happened in a slightly unexpected way. Was supposed to go to the karaoke to vent out all the negative emotions that have been suppressed by me all this while, but lala didn't want to go in the end and hence Mao and I resorted to watch the movie 'Hop' instead. It was not bad, quite entertaining actually, and it has been ages since I watched anything funny and it definitely has been long since I laughed so much and went for movies with someone apart from my own family members.

And then I bought a black satin-like shorts because my skirt was partially torn off. It was a mini skirt and if the lowest layer falls off it would be a super mini skirt. Haha. Had lunch for the first time at Popeye's. surprisingly the fried chicken there tasted way better than KFC. Win.

I actually feel disturbed right now. I can't make out how I really feel. You don't judge me because you didn't know a single damn thing. Who are you even to judge? Its not like you know what I have been going through? If I don't like that particular person I have absolute rights not to want to see that particular person. If you really cared for me you wouldn't have said such thing to me. AT ALL. I have been trying so hard to cope by myself, yes, without your help to say the least, and you, out of so many people, have no right to judge me. I expected better from you. I am so disappointed at you right now. How could you.

If you are really caring for me, I don't need you to be bias and stand on my side. I never asked anyone of that. If you truly sincerely care about me, you would try to understand why I felt this way rather than passing judgements just like that. You would be more considerate. I don't rely on anyone to make myself feel better, because I don't like putting emotions burden on someone else.

The only thing that is constant in life is change itself. Nothing else will be permanent. That is why I never want to rely too much on a person now, just in case one day if they get tired and walked away I will fall again.

People says that practice makes perfect. Yes to most things, but when it involves emotions I don't think that things will work this way. No. No matter how many times you got hurt in love, you will never get used to it. That kind of hurt will always be painful, and sometimes when you experience too many times the pain just gets worse each day.

Good night.

Twas a busy day... =)

2011-04-06T07:24:00.001+08:00

But its a smiley day =D
Particularly enjoyed my consti tutorial today [Mr Mark, oh yes see how much I <3 you? haha]
For the first time in many many weeks I did not feel groggy or half dead attending your 8am tutorial. HAHAHAHA.

I know, finals approaching, maybe that is why I was alert today for tutorial??
Hmm. But nevertheless, I really enjoyed today. Which includes the part where we interrogated you about your children hehe. XD

I have never met a lecturer that enjoyed teaching as much as Mr Mark. Or a person that is as contented in life as him. He may not be the best lecturer in other people's opinion, but no doubt, my favorite lecturer. =D

He is a very old fashion Christian actually. And old fashion in a way where you won't find him annoying, but rather amusing.

He has a 23'' television. Old school big ass tv.

He owns a tape recorder. I wished I still have mine now. My old cartoons are all in tapes. Too bad mine was spoilt and no one from the electronic shop is willing to fix it.

He has no internet connection at home.

He believes that lawyers are bullshitters extraodinaire.

He only used computer at work.

He has the same phone as my grandmother.

He laughs at his own jokes when no one in the entire intake got his humour. We knew what he intended to say, just that no one seems to find it funny. Hehe.

He is secretive about his age LMAO.

He don't believe in gays.

Like all Christians believe, all non believers are supposed to go to hell. hahaha. Except that people usually don't say this out. He does. Yes. Bluntly. Not a surprise that no one is offended because he looks amusing when he speaks. Haha.

Haha. Funny how my life actually crosses with so many serious Christians out there. Not a bad thing, provided you respect my believe as an atheist and not constantly preaching on me, just pointing out. haha. If you know me well enough you would have realized that even though I am an atheist, I am quite a curious person and I find the idea of religion quite fascinating. Sometimes when I see people who actually find comfort in religion, I envy them. I never believe in the existence of god, but somehow I think that life would be so much easier for me if I actually do have a believe. I wouldn't have to rely on myself so much as a mental support then. But then. Oh well. Having Christians as friends, or close friends is nice. They do give a good perspective on certain things time to time. =) I am open to possibilities. You just need to convince me. hahaha.

Time is running out.

Which in a way, not too bad.

Because then I would occupy myself with loads of things that I need to do, want to do, have to do instead of falling back to the reminiscence of those unhappy times.

Its good to stay busy. And spend time with people that ACTUALLY wants to spend time with me.

Lienn is leaving in about 4 days' time. All the best to her =)
Though never really get to know her well, and both of us came from different worlds, I did enjoy the times when we talked. and her blog posts were somewhat comforting especially recently. And that song. =) Chris Medina's What Are Words. So inspiring.

Being able to hang out with Mao and lala again today was just pure happiness. =) Regardless of the purpose.
I think Mao feels quite happy today too, since he met his long lost friend. Haha.
Being at BAC for the lecture was quite an experience. Well at least they have more colours in the classrooms. HELP is just plain. Gloomy D:
Thanks to the lecture, I know how much time is left. Time to buck up. Buck up buck up buck up. FB just don't seem to matter to me anymore. hahaha. I know I eventually will have to go back to FB, but, taking a break from there is the right choice.

Everyday is like an adventure to me. Though most probably I would have known what I will be doing tomorrow, but as always, you never knew what kind of adventures your emotions will lead you to.

Tomorrow. I shall let things blow my mind.
Consti lecture. Singing. Friends. And tonnes of awesomeness. And the panic for moot.
hahahahhaha.

I know I have a guardian angel somewhere out there. Suddenly I thought of him. Yes, YOU. Mr L. I know you stalk my blog very often. Take care of yourself k? It would be nice if you actually surface once a while because its been long time since we talked =) And thanks, for letting me know that there is still people out there who actually cared.

Okie, time to study. For awhile before I hit the sack. XD

Gratitude

2011-04-05T07:34:00.001+08:00

=)

Today, 5 person made my day.

First of all, THE gang.
Siva, Tim, Yao yao and Marcia.
I really love how we all hang around with each other. <3
Haha, how much jokes we could come up with all the time. The ultimate sarcasm. hahaha. The racist-but-without-the-intention-to-be-racist jokes.
Being Indians *inside joke*
Sucking Starbucks *inside joke*
Though I lost my appetite today due to period cramps, I did enjoy our lunch time together.
I love the laughters when we all were together.
Siva is always the helpful sarcastic ex-vegetarian Indian with a worse sweet tooth than me. He is the one that always spent an extra half an hour to drop me at MidValley so that I could take bus back to Subang from there. Haha. He could be REALLY REALLY sarcastic, but haha, its really funny that I enjoy talking to him.
Tim,
hahahaha. He always pulls off a very decent-small-boy-kind of look. And I tell you its really deceiving. hahaha. My favourite part of him is his driving skills. He is really a pro driver and those who have sat in his car before will know that. HAHA. I kid you not, he is damn pro. Literally. Otherwise he is a pretty decent Christian. He hangs out at the church for long hours. *inside joke again* but seriously, he is a good Christian. Prim and proper. Except the part where he is a lazy bump sometimes. XD
Yao Yao.
XDXDXD
My wrong minded partner in crime. If you are bored, go and talk to him. He will change your mood on the spot with his super duper lame jokes. Or obscenely sexual jokes. Whichever you prefer. Haha. But he is a very nice guy too. Oh and he worked out too! hahaha. I call him a mole by the way. Haha.
Marcia.
The girl who eats raisins *inside joke* and boost *inside joke again*.
hahaha. She could actually eat quite a lot (well I still eat like a monster compared to her but hmm. She could eat more than what we expected of her) despite her anorexic-like figure. Yes she is really really thin. And underweight. But she EATS quite a decent amount of food. haha. And she is our mother *another major inside joke* hahahhaha. She is prim and proper and its fun to pick on her sometimes hahaha.

Its really nice to know that you have such a bunch of friends that make your life happier each day.
Among all of them, I wear dress the most but I am nothing close to being a lady like Marcia. Haha. I honestly think that our gang is special. No one gets left out. I know I will miss them once we part our ways. Its because of them my gloomy days at HELP is mixed with colours of our friendship and made my life over there less frustrating. Knowing them is a great pleasure because I truly believe that not everyone get to know people that has the same interest. I don't know why but today I am feeling exceptionally grateful to the wonderful people I have.

I said 5 person right?

haha.

The last one for the day would be Mao Mao.
Dear Mao Mao,

as if you are reading this which I doubt so. =D
Thanks for EVERYTHING. Its quite an honor that I got stuck with you for the past few weeks.
Haha.
I have no idea what was happening actually. Nothing really make sense but hahaha. Since when our friendship make sense anyway?

I never knew, or expected that I would still be in touch with you even after A Levels. Hahaha.

And you stood by me when I was confused, when I was sad, frustrated, lost...
Or when I was happy, or being like a child, or when I was so fickle minded...

Thank you so much for the help you gave me. Emotionally and physically.
Emotionally because you realised what a hopeless romantic I was. hahaha. I was surprised that you actually put up to me. XD Listen to my dreams and fantasies. My goals. And more of my dreams. My ideal future husband, my future doggies and bridesmaid and bla bla bla. Hahahahha. I appreciate that you actually listened to the little girl's dream that I always have in mind. Stargazing, backpacking, my ambitions and ba bla bla... hahahaha

Physically because you actually took effort to meet up with me and lala all the time, and also you being my driver so many times in the past few weeks, without complaining a single thing. And also took time off during your lunch break so that you could fetch me back home to get the stupid big yellow sponge to give back to that jerk. And also helped me so much to prepare for my moot.

I love how finally I can find someone to engage in some philosophical and deep conversations with. I am glad I could finally share my passion in reading John Grisham and Jeffrey Archer with someone. And also discuss about the histories around the world with someone. Did you know that its because of those conversations we had, that I became even more determined to move on and let go of the past? I know my past will never be something or someone that I will be looking forward to be with in the future at this point of time. I know i will never be truly happy if I let myself stuck at this current state. I need a person which could engage in these kind of topics when we talked. Because of you, I realise that ultimately I would want a guy to be 'deep' enough for me to settle down with.

Friend,
Thank you very much. You have been a really special friend, like an encyclopedia. An encyclopedia about everything in life. Its so brain stimulating when we talked. You are emotionally detached from too many things because you could see things so thoroughly. But for me, because I knew I could see certain things thoroughly I don't give up on being emotionally attached to a person. I used the fact that I see things thoroughly to filter what I don't want and what I am looking for, and then I wait for the time when the right person appear into my life.

but, because you detached yourself emotionally all the times, I love asking your opinion every single time. Not to say that you gave the best advice in the world, but because I like where your perspectives come from.

I love how life always takes turn when we are least expecting it.
I hate causing dramas, but I can't help that I am a drama magnet.
My life, as much as I would love it to be more peaceful, is dramatic.

Well, love life it is then.
=)
Today, my ounces of 'okay' are my friends.
And I had extra ounces of 'happiness' as well.

Looking down upon...

2011-04-03T19:50:00.001+08:00

Despite having all the reasons to hate you, I know I can't.
And also I know the only choice that I will make right now is to move on.

Yet I thought things are becoming easier now but its not getting anywhere near to being easy at all.

Fuck you. For messing with my feelings and my mind all these while.
Fuck myself, for not being able to hate you.

It has been long already. Staying off FB is a good thing, out of sight, out of mind. You don't blog, so I know I won't stalk you at all. I have lost your number so I won't contact you too. I won't email you because you seldom reply me all the while. Yes, you are supposed to be out of my life already. Why the hell is it still bothering me?

I am not the same anymore. At first I thought I could go back to how I was, just purely be your best friend and stay by your side when you need me. I realized I can't just stay by your side anymore. I have to leave your life. I chose to leave your life. The moment I stopped being your best friend was the moment I left your life. But the shadows of our past are so taunting right now. Each and every one of them.

I want out of this shit hole.

One thing that is consolidating is that I have very little memory of you in my new house. And my current room. At least now home is a place where you are not part of it. Old house changed its owner, and the past memories were left there.

I have to leave this shit hole.

I keep telling myself, my life is about moving forward.

Someone once said that people are immature because they can't move on. Bullshit.
Immature? well, the person who said that was damn immature for all I know.
When you love someone so deeply, its hard to move on. Its not that you don't want to. You just can't find the way to do so. Especially when you are on your own.

Werewolf and vampire used to be together but they can't. You know why? because werewolf is too rough and harsh on the vampire which is sensitive and the vampire can't help but to suck the life out of the werewolf since vampire needs blood to survive. Werewolf realizes that it can't give any more blood to the vampire and left abruptly. And vampire was left to dehydrate to death.

No, not talking about Twilight series. Not at all. Its just a story that came into my mind.

I need a more durable mask.

Better still, I want closure.

2011-04-03T19:11:00.000+08:00

Hello =)

Yesterday I forgot to add on another ounce of 'okay', which is Starbucks! haha. I am glad my coffee tolerance is back on track, and no longer have that nausea feeling anymore.

Today, my mum forced me to visit the chinese traditional doctor. =.=
I really hate seeing doctors you know, whether western or chinese traditional ones. Basically after Sook left us I sort of lost faith in doctors, well despite how I already hated medicines way back then. I find them vary in opinions, thats why.

Anyway, my mum wanted me to have sort of 'body check up' by this particular doctor before I leave to UK. Not surprising, the doctor said that I am very weak, should have more sleep, less stress, drink more warm water, dont drink cold water... ... Sigh. I know I have to sleep earlier, but emotional stress is not something you can control la. Well, in the end I have to eat those chinese medicine gah. Hope its not too bitter.

Sometimes I doubt myself.
Can I do it?
D:
Hate this feeling.

sorry with the sudden change of mood. was supposed to be a happier post but, I can't do it today.
Its too hard.

Well...

2011-04-03T00:51:00.000+08:00

Ounces of 'okay' =)

2011-04-02T18:47:00.002+08:00

As the title speaks, I have ounces of 'okay' yesterday and today. whee.

Was so tired till I could not even go online last night.

Yesterday, I DANCED!!! *jumps around happily*
haha, wasn't very into the mood at first but like around 30 minutes before I left I felt energized. Glad to know that I didn't lose much of the skills I used to have. Haha. New target found by the way, will announce once I achieve it.

It was April's Fool yesterday but yay for not being fooled. Haha. ANNNNDDDD... my baby MACBOOK PRO arrived!!! (Y) so now I am typing my first blogpost on macbook pro. Hehe proud sial.

Despite the sometimes painful feeling I get, I am really learning to look at things in a much wider perspective. I love colours, and I will find the colours back into my life again. =)

I am glad that I went to the dance studio yesterday, haven't been dancing for almost a year already [well not including the recent kpop performance haha...]. I miss those feelings. Things are different now but that kind of feelings when you dance, they took away the disturbed thoughts in my mind the moment I started dancing. My turtle is still stable. Ngehehe. But I do miss a particular someone, in a way.

Someone told me he saw sadness in my eyes even when I was smiling.
I looked into the mirror, and thought. No, not sadness. There are just some of the wounds that have yet to be healed. And I don't think that is sadness.. Its metamorphosis. =D

Sometimes the best way I can love someone is to leave them. Sometimes the best way to love me is to go.

Looking forward each day as I live. I have bigger dreams. But my heart will forever stay true to myself and that is a promise I will never break. A promise to self.

By the way, I have decided to take up the internship. Mabes is right. It is passed our time to stay and we do have to move on. Regarding the dance production, I will try my best, but regardless of what, I am taking up the internship. It will be another chapter of life. And Exeter. My goal.

Two exceptionally hard decisions in 2 days. Added up to my ounces of 'okay'.
Smile.
Embrace.

I am stronger than I thought I am and I am lucky to be that way.

Thank you all so much. =)
I think I have found my directions.

~★网友原创文章★~我就是这样的水瓶 [note: not written by me, just found it online]

2011-03-31T19:06:00.000+08:00

一直一直

我都觉得水瓶是最棒最棒的星座

不过其他星座也不是不好

只是

我最喜欢水瓶了~

平常

总是和大家嘻嘻哈哈的

可是每一个的笑容中的成份

一定会有那麽一点点的悲伤

可以说水瓶是矛盾的

有时

在悲伤到不行的时候

还是会很努力的绽放笑容

水瓶就是那麽喜欢勉强自己

总认为自己比别人坚强

而忽视了自己的伤痕

某种程度上来说

水瓶是健忘的

水瓶会因为你不回信息而生气

可是

当你回了信息

水瓶会忘了自己本来是多麽的生气

然后笑着回覆

这样的事情一直重複

可是水瓶就是无法阻止自己

这也是水瓶的矛盾吧？

水瓶真的有很多朋友

当然也承受过背叛

出于矛盾的心理

就算被背叛过

还是会把对方当成朋友

再一次被背叛

再一次的原谅

总把别人想得太脆弱

把自己想得太坚强

我并不是个很相信人的水瓶

也不算不相信人啦

只是习惯把不开心的事跟自己说

总是对朋友很好

却拒绝掉别人对自己的好

总认为自己很坚强

有什么事都能自己解决

就算流了泪

也装着没事

水瓶

就是那麽爱逞强

可是谁也不知道

水瓶想要的

只是在水瓶说他很好的时候

有人可以跟他们说：“我知道你并不好。”

如果如果

你身边也有个水瓶座的朋友

请常常关心他们吧

他们是很渴望被关心的

只是要他们卸下面具

可能还需要一些些的时间

Gratitude

2011-03-31T17:52:00.001+08:00

regarding the post just now, heres the link.

It did help me think a lot and kind of explained what I have been trying to do.
=)

It talked about death, which is not really relating much to me if you take the literal meaning, but you see, if you interpret it from how I have seen it, its quite relevant. Death. Well, how about death of relationships then? Breakup with a best friend is definitely something worth comparing to death, because it breaks your heart so much that you could not stop feeling the pain no matter how you try to push that feeling away.

When it first hit me, losing someone so important made me lost my directions. What happens to our future plans then? What happens to those difficult times we went through together? We have came a long way and suddenly losing everything like that was the toughest thing to accept.

It felt as if I have lost my directions in life.

At one point, everything was just shadow around me. And my world was crashing down. Doing anything, anything at all, be it talking, eating, listening, or even talking, was close to impossible. Like attempting to defy gravity without the help of anything else.

But this, is the process that must be gone through. I knew that since long time ago. Therefore I let myself to be in that state, be in bed all day, ignoring things around me, spend my day in my nightdress, run away from anything that triggers those memories. But I only let myself in that kind of state for 3 days after uncovering those lies beneath the mask. 3 days. Because time is of essence, I know I have other things that need more of my attention, like, my finals. If I really want to be out of this shithole, out of your life, I need to make sure I get my ticket out here.

There is one thing that I did not quite agree with that article, though to some people it does apply. Drinking. I don't agree with doing drugs, but drinking is something I would need. Because I have been trying too hard to mask my true feelings around everyone. Sometimes it made me feel as if I am suffocating. I would love to release all my feelings and for once, stay true to my own emotions. I want to be completely honest with my feelings once and for all. But all these, will definitely come after finals =)

I have passed the crying stage of grieving. Yes, crying stage. I used to cry a lot when I was sad but then when the pain was too much to be felt, crying does not work anymore. I took on a more tormenting but effective therapy. I walked all the way back on the memory lane that used to belonged to the both of us. I have returned every memorabilia to you, with the exception of that pair of slippers because my mum took it. She gave back to me eventually and now they are sitting somewhere in the corners of my room. Shall dispose of them some day if necessary.

Walking down the memory lane, I embrace the pain that each of the memories triggered. On the bus, I would think about the times we had on it, and on the way to lakeside, I passed by your old place, where I used to hang out with you all day, watching movies in your room, preparing for prom while waiting for fai to fetch us, I looked back at the square where we used to play pool. Then it reminded me of the perfect chemistry we used to have. And then, I remembered JS, Dota, ramli burgers, the old eca, and lakeside, where everything started. The library, the exact rack of books, the roof top. The balcony. I listened back to the songs that used to belong to us. I remembered our little adventures to KL. UKM. I do miss all those times. But I know that in order to leave behind all these, I have to fully feel the pain. 100%. I remember those trips, those drinking sessions where you were always there. Wow, it really hurts to think back. But its fine. I will embrace the pain. I remembered how I used to snug in your shirt. It felt so warm. I know no one could take away all these memories from me. I remembered the cheesecake moment. That was funny and sweet. And the day where you treated me a choc cake after finals. Our all night long conversation after grad ball, talking till 7am in the morning at Ian's house. Ian's house. The place where all good things were. =)

There are so many more than I could put into words, but pain as the memories were, it was good to walk down that path again and take a good look at them again. Maybe on the way I might burst out and cry again, but true enough I feel alive doing so. I don't mind. Getting numb about it is one thing, but I like to remind myself of the pain so that it will help me carry on faster. I have to slowly pick up the pieces of glass shattered, despite getting hurt on the way. Because when I am done with picking up the pieces, they will not be able to hurt me any more.

For the first time in your life, you might have to make a conscious decision to be happy. You’ll have to actively work at maintaing a positive mindset, have to strain and sweat to even feel an ounce of “okay.” Before the terrible thing that happened to you, happiness was expected, an absolute guarantee. That was just one of the luxuries you lost.

From today onwards, I am on a mission to find that ounce of 'okay' in every single day. And then slowly, true happiness will come back. =)

Today, I found my ounce of 'okay' because I did well during mooting practice and my lecturer praised me, despite her fowl mood. And Yao Yao fetched me to MidValley so that I could take bus back to visit the TDC-ians at SS15. I saw her in your sweater, but surprisingly it did not matter. =) Those were more than just an ounce of 'okay' I guess :3

Things will never be like they once were. You’ll never be like you once were. But this is how things work, this is what life is all about. You were never the same after the first time someone broke your heart and you’ll never be the same after you experience a tragedy. These losses will change you in important ways. Now it’s your job to not let them swallow you up completely.

Yes. Things will never be the same anymore. Not things in general, but the things between the two person. Everyone needs to move on in some ways. The best change from all these is, that I am optimistic about things. I made a mental note not to conclude things abruptly, and give leeways to all possibilities. ALL.

=)

2011-03-31T15:59:00.000+08:00

Thank you for the link to that article! =) Mabela and Aizat. I <3 you both.